New duo throws down gauntlet to monster rivals, southerners, goats
by Trey Bledsoe
Mayesville – Scrape Ore Swamp’s Lizard Man announced to day an impending merger with the Chupacabra, a lizard-like terror developed in Puerto Rico. The Lizard Man is a moderately famous three-fingered, nine foot tall, scaly green resident of Lee County. Puerto Rico’s Chupacabra is a well known sucker of goats on the island and believed to be of extraterrestrial origin.
Monsters: an endangered species.
1898 – The Grassman of Kenmore, Ohio
1956 – Beast of Busco Indiana is broiled in its own shell for Busco Beast Days celebration.
1979 – Critical Sasquatch breeding grounds are destroyed in the eruption of Mount Saint Helen’s. By 1990, any survivors migrate to Tibet via the Lemurian Rails.
1979 – The Dover Demon dies in a Roxbury homeless shelter.
1996 – The Boggy Creek creature of Jonesville, Arkansas killed by bowhunters.
2001 – West Virginia’s Flatwoods Monster also killed by bowhunters.
2007 – Ohio’s Loveland Frog began serving a twenty-year sentence for multiple lewd acts.
2008 – Mail returned from post office box belonging to Wisconsin’s Beast of Bray Road.
2009 – The Jersey Devil makes a rare appearance in the owner’s box at the Prudential Center, but otherwise rarely leaves his tractless nature preserve outside Hammonton, NJ.”
The two creatures visited Parker’s Sandwich Cafe in west Mayesville for a joint press conference and some hastily arranged carnage amid a capacity crowd of lunchtime diners. The diminutive Chupacabra perched on the shoulder of the Lizard Man for the duration of the event.
Relations between the two seemed relaxed, frequently joking between comments which cannot be repeated here.
Speaking through telepathic waves, the Chupacabra made it known that South Carolina’s goat population was the deciding factor in proposing the merger. “We looked at some other franchises,” said the monster, “but the bovid concentration in South Carolina can withstand my depredations. Plus, it is hella hot here. Scrape Ore Swamp is totally unbearable. I love it.” The population of goats in South Carolina has rebounded in recent years. The 1880 census reported over one million goats employed in dairy production and pulling small carts. That number had declined to only 45,356 by 1970, but recovered to an estimated 156,000 in 2007.
The Lizard Man stated that he had “never sucked the blood of a goat,” but, “is eager to learn”. He went on to say, “We expect to amalgamate in an unholy coupling to be filmed for theatrical release in the Autumn of 2010.” Sources close to the Chupacabra confirmed advanced discussions are in the works with Bay’s Platinum Dunes production company for a $10 million dollar picture. A spokesman for Platinum Dunes films was on hand to confirm the arrangement.
“There are some physical logistics to work out, but I’m excited by the challenge.” said 18 year old first time director Tommy Thomas.
Platinum Dunes is the in-house production company of “Transformers” director Michael Bay.
“I don’t know whether we’ll physically mate or not.” said the Lizard Man, eyes glowing, “Probably not. You never know, but it might be easier to kinda blend together.”
“Maybe they’d do it in a U.F.O.” opined rising U.S.C. freshman Ulrika Chafin of Jonesville, “How should I know? And I hope I never find out.” Personnel at the U.S.C. Biology Department were otherwise unavailable for comment.
This is not the first attempt to amalgamate nature’s remaining monsters into a viable entity. A proposed Chupacabra merger with Georgia’s Swamp Ape reportedly collapsed after the creature’s existence was traced back to a McCarthyite slur on Pogo Possum.
Chupacabra downplayed the fiasco today.
“Pogo’s retired and honestly, it was never going to be a great fit. He’s a liberal woodland creature. Anyway Albert Alligator is demented with jealousy of me.” Chupacabra was even more dismissive of reports linking him to Maryland’s Goat Man, “Does he even exist? I doubt it. But if he does, for his sake, I hope he’s more man than goat, if you follow me.”
“We’re young and hungry,” said the Lizard Man, “Georgia’s wide open, Alabama, Texas. I’m looking to expand in all directions.” Expansion would be a remarkable turnaround for the cryptoid hominid, who hadn’t had a sighting in two years before the press conference.
“Times have been hard for America’s monsters,” says Donnie Brampton, a commentator for the Discovery Channel and retired Eueka, California logger. “People would rather shoot one then fail to properly store the corpse than loose a child. But that’s our modern world. On the other hand, the Wild Man of the Navidad recently resurfaced in a direct to video movie.”
The Lizard Man was a late entrant into cryptozoology and never developed much of a national presence. His first reported appearance was to 16 year-old Christopher Davis in 1988. A brief flurry of activity and a successful confrontation with a Pontiac were not enough to break into a market still reeling from the collapse of Sasquatch.
South Carolina’s only other confirmed evolutionary throwback is Hell Hole Swamp’s Swamp Thing. The Thing maintains a website and makes frequent appearances on the convention circuit, but has lived in Hidden Hills, California with Adrianne Barbeau for decades.
Chupacabra made an international splash back in 1996, and has since successfully concentrated on his home territory, observers say. Monster expert Brampton believes teaming up with Chupacabra is a good fit for the Lizard Man.
“Chupacabra has developed a regional awareness penetration of 98% in Puerto Rico with belief coefficient of 5.” says Brampton, “That’s damn good.” Brampton went on to say that the the increasing Latino population of the United States also factored in the merger’s favor.
Diners at Parker’s Sandwich Cafe were less than optimistic.
“I have never paid the Lizard Man any mind and I do not intend to start now,” said Delmont Linkins “Let the Lizard Man get a real job instead of scaring folks.”
“He’s no realer than he ever was,” insisted Mayesville mayor Tim Smoak, seemingly oblivious to the reeking monstrosities sending waves of hate his way, “But do buy a t-shirt.”
Shortly thereafter, Lizard Man and Chupacabra upended tables, chairs, and stationary bystanders accompanied by unearthly howls and thin screams. After clearing the plates, destroying every camera in the room and snatching a case of beer, the two creatures ran off into a heavy thunderstorm. Several bruisings were reported by cafe patrons. Film Director Thomas suffered a severe concussion and was removed to Richland Memorial Hospital, where his condition is listed as stable.