Dear South Carolina

An open letter to South Carolina from Governor Mark Sanford, available exclusively on
[upon further examination, it appears the governor inserted over 60 Michael Jackson song titles into his statement; we're beginning to worry]

Fellow South Carolinians,

I was up till the break of dawn working on this in the closet, following the news about Michael Jackson and listening to Billie Jean, so please forgive any odd phrasing.

sanford-letter-frontSince you first elected me, I have been working day and night for the people of South Carolina. I can’t help it, it’s human nature — it’s another part of me. I know you’ve come to see me as some sort of smooth criminal, but I just can’t stop loving you. You, South Carolina, are the man in the mirror, and together, we are the world.

I have been bad, but I ask you to remember the time we tried to heal the world and I ask you to keep the faith. You are my life. Please remember history is not black or white and it is all gone too soon. Don’t listen to the ghosts, they don’t care about us. Come together, don’t fly away. You are not alone.

As for the new lady in my life, she’s not just some pretty young thing; we started as just good friends but my feelings just won’t leave me alone. She drives me wild and I can’t let her get away. It’s the falling in love that is dangerous. I didn’t want to be starting something, but the girl is mine. This time around I will keep the faith with my girlfriend.

My wife, well, she’s out of my life. Whatever happens, I know she is invincible, unbreakable. I’m the heartbreaker. Her privacy should not be threatened.

To the press and the bloggers, I know you don’t stop ’til you get enough. You’re looking for a thriller, but your tactics are off the wall. Leave me alone you tabloid junkie. Beat it.

Now it is time to get on the floor and jam. Is it scary, do I have butterflies? Yes. Will you be there? I hope so. Please… cry, smile, scream, but don’t walk away. The way you make me feel is speechless — you rock my world. Give in to me, I want to rock with you.


Mark Sanford

ed.note: if you’re confused, click here.
Tagged with: , ,
Posted in Politics
One comment on “Dear South Carolina
  1. I am just waiting to drive by the State House to see the littered signs of a female revolt in our state! With each passing day I am surprised that we are yet to see men’s clothing..trousers, shirts, shoes, boxers, scattered across the lawn in front of the Confederate memorial with a handwritten poster board sign on a stake that reads “and don’t come back”! OOOPs, I think I just gave someone an idea!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *


You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>

The editorial content of this site is satire and parody. Real news is clearly marked. Lighten up.