by Middleton Jervey Manigault, III
Columbia – A recent survey of South Carolina state legislators taken by theDiscust has revealed some surprising information about the state’s capital city.
Asked whether the assembly should meet in the current capital city of Columbia or move to the Pit of Doom, adjacent to the Dark Lord’s Sanctum in the seventh concentric circle of hell, 97% of respondents indicated a preference for the latter, 3% indicated that they were not sure.
John Garner, a Republican State House Representative from Chester, was asked why Columbia was given such short shrift in the survey. “Why would you ask such a stupid question? Have you ever actually been there?” Garner shouted.
Other more responsive legislators suggested Columbia’s summer weather, which has earned the city the nickname “The Armpit of South Carolina,” could be to blame for the show of disdain.
According to Mike Frothington, a Democratic State Senator from Florence, “When you find yourself going into a sauna to escape the brutal heat outside, I think that says a little something about the outdoor conditions.”
Frothington continued, “I recall one July day my air conditioning unit just walked away, muttering under its breath that it was done with this bullshit.”
Although crediting appliances with anthropomorphic characteristics may seem a bit absurd, Frothington is not alone in his feelings toward Columbia’s summer weather, as the survey results and interviews with other lawmakers bear out.
Thomas Ravenelski of Anderson related the following vignette: “One day I tried to make a point about the horrible conditions in which we had to work by frying an egg on the state house floor. The damn thing evaporated as soon as I put it down on the ground.”
Several legislators did cite another reason for their hatred of our capital. James Barnwell, Jr. a young Representative from Varnville admitted that the party scene was a little lacking.
“When I first came to Columbia,” Barnwell exlained, “I expected that my position would get me into a bunch of parties with mountains of cocaine and strippers hanging from the chandeliers while others would be sitting on my face. Instead, I am confronted with the stunning craptacularity that is Five Points. Frankly, I would rather not end up sharing a five-by-five cell with the six players from the University of South Carolina football team that are inevitably arrested each weekend.”
With the results of the survey nearly unanimous, the legislature has already begun plans to move to a new location and is currently taking bids from several construction companies to build them a new capital inside the Pit of Doom. Bribe-taking during the project is expected to be at an all-time low. According to Garner, “We really don’t want to piss off God with any immoral behavior this time around. Believe me, the last thing we want is to end up back in Columbia.”