McMasterbation sweeps the nation

by William Moultrie

Columbia – Is South Carolina’s Henry McMaster baiting the government with the help of at least a dozen state attorneys general?  Some speculate he’s only doing it for his own satisfaction

The states that care

Some states care more than others.

“He’s clearly not the master of his domain,” said Furman political science professor Ben Tillman, referring to McMaster. “But he’s taken a firm grip on this situation and he’s working it as best he can. Of course, he’s not a young man so I’m sure he’ll be relying heavily on his counterparts to help him out as much as possible, but in the end, it’s all about Henry getting what he wants.”

Not everyone agrees about McMaster’s motives.

“He’s doing this for all of us who can’t do it for ourselves,” said Richard Limpenile, a 97-year-old resident of Sunset Village retirement center in Gaffney.  “If I could still do what he’s able to do I’d be out there doing it for the world to see.”

Sources have told us that there was an extensive debate among the group of attorneys general over alleged ties by several of them to prominent pharmaceutical company Pfizer. After the heated discussion had lasted nearly four hours, however, several of the men abruptly left the room to call their doctors and the debate was abandoned for the evening.

Though the most prominent feature of the suit focuses on rescinding the recently passed health care overhaul, there are numerous other points of contention for which the group is seeking redress.

The suit also seeks to:

  • Repeal all federal taxation,
  • Return Facebook to it’s previous layout,
  • Establish a playoff system in college football,
  • Prohibit gay men kissing on TV (but not lesbians),
  • Force HBO to come up with a better ending to The Sopranos,
  • Keep Rosie O’Donnell off of daytime television forever,
  • Clearly label satire as “satire” to avoid confusion,
  • Prohibit Betty White from hosting Saturday Night Live,
  • Eliminate kitten videos from YouTube,
  • Abolish the designated hitter in baseball,
  • Bring back polyester leisure suits, and
  • Reduce penalty for sex with prostitutes in cemeteries to a misdemeanor.
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