Google Buzz Reveals Man Has Lame Social Life

by Salty Caramel

Columbia – Most of the buzz around Google’s latest social networking innovation has involved concern over the publicizing of people’s frequent contacts — and resulting potential to reveal liaisons with mistresses or interviews with rival companies.

But one man’s worst fears were realized when Google Buzz revealed that the man’s supposedly sizzling social life was a total fraud. According to his snickering co-worker, the man had always boasted of his exciting weekends filled with booze, sex and multiple hot women.

“[Greg] would come back on Monday morning with stories of slurping oysters off naked women at exclusive night clubs in New York City and other crazy stuff,” said the co-worker, a fellow consultant. “He’s kind of a plain guy, but we figured he must be sexual napalm in bed or have some ridiculous trust fund that let him jet to St. Lucia for the weekend.”

But another female co-worker said that his tales of hooking up with models had always been suspect. “Greg said that he consoled Lauren Caitlin Upton [Miss South Carolina in 2007] after her botched answer about finding the U.S. on a map by teaching her the state capitals as she gave him a hot oil massage. But when I asked him if he had a picture of her he just pulled out a head shot from a very obviously self-addressed stamped envelope.”

When Google Buzz debuted earlier this month, everyone at the office was wondering how it worked. “Greg” had boasted about flying on the private Google jet, so they nominated him to try it out, and clustered around his computer screen to observe. His most frequent contacts, as measured by the contacts that he was automatically assigned to follow, were revealed to be a pizza delivery service, movie and video game rentals, 1-900-HOT-GURLZ — “Your wildest fantasies from the comfort of your home,” and his mother.

“It was really awkward,” said the co-worker. “Greg turned bright red and made some joke about how his account had been used by his teenage nephew when he was visiting, but he was obviously obviously lying.”

Aside from some mild ribbing, the co-worker said they had not called “Greg” out on his tall tales. “But I threw out the napkin that supposedly had Bar Rafaeli’s lipstick that he gave me for my birthday,” he said. “Just the thought that I’ve been sleeping with a dirty napkin under my pillow that has Greg’s lipstick kiss gives me the willies.”

Salty Caramel can also be found at his own blog at

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