Poor South Carolinians Vow to Breed Faster

by Jim B. DeMinted

Columbia – In a show of defiance to lieutenant governor Andre Bauer’s recent comments comparing the poor to stray animals, the Palmetto State’s ‘Coalition of the Hungry’ group has issued a statement pledging to ‘copulate like rabbits,’ if the charitable-minded insist on continuing to feed them.

“We poor people are basically baby-making machines, and when you provide us proper nourishment and sustenance our libidos kick into overdrive,” said Coalition member Ralph Scroggins.

“If I’m starving I can’t even think about the act of sex, but something about receiving two to three square meals a day turns me into a condom-shunning, prurient beast. It has nothing whatsoever to do with abstinence education in schools either.”

His organization’s sharp rebuke came on the heels of Bauer’s statement on offering free and reduced priced lunches in schools, where he alluded to the fact that poor people, like a horny stray dog, will probably just reproduce faster if you keep tossing them table scraps.

Scroggins agreed with Bauer’s basic assessment that satisfying the petty distractions of hunger and thirst allows poverty-stricken youth too much time to concentrate on other needs of the flesh.

“He’s right, give an underfed teen a biscuit in the morning, and he’ll have the energy to impregnate half the school by the time the afternoon bell rings,” Scroggins said. “Food is the best aphrodisiac.”

He added though that despite Bauer’s criticism, the underprivileged will keep searching for ways to procure meals and that if they succeed, they intend to breed expeditiously so their numbers increase and people are actually forced to pay attention to the root causes of their plight.

“If you can’t beat them, outnumber them,” Scroggins said.

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Posted in Life, Politics
2 comments on “Poor South Carolinians Vow to Breed Faster
  1. admin says:

    If they are wasting their money on condoms and birth control then they are clearly abusing the system.

  2. Alabaster says:

    I am gay, but would like to contribute to the cause of annoying Bauer somehow. What do suggest? Should I steal condoms and birth control pills from poor people?

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