by Middleton Jervey Manigault, III

Charleston – The state of South Carolina finally snapped Thursday after centuries of suffering in silence, demanding that the state of North Carolina “get the fuck off.” Read the full story

by William Moultrie

Columbia – South Carolina’s textbook task force claims to have found a way to avoid all of the controversy plaguing the Texas School Board and save money at the same time. Read the full story

by William Moultrie

Florence – In a rare act of near-unanimous contrition, South Carolinians have admitted that they used poor judgment in the past few statewide elections. In particular, the resolution drafted at the annual Meeting of Everyone in South Carolina (MESC) addresses the failings of statewide officeholders elected in 2006. Read the full story

by Middleton Jervey Manigault, III

Columbia – With less than a year remaining of his time in office, Governor Mark Sanford of South Carolina still has work left to do cementing his legacy to the state. With that legacy in mind, the governor announced plans today that should go a long way toward imprinting his collection of seven letters into the minds of our children: the founding of a university bearing his name. Read the full story

by William Moultrie

Tega Cay – In a massive outpouring of compassion, followers of Reverend Pat Robertson are collecting clothing, blankets, bottled water and money to send to the soon-to-be-unemployed staff of the Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien.

On Thursday’s edition of The 700 Club, Pat Robertson called for prayers and compassion for  O’Brien.

“I am asking all of you to have compassion and keep these victims in your prayers” urged Robertson, eyes clenched shut. “Through no fault of his own, this god-fearing Irish Catholic is being cast out of his glorious Universal City studio into the wild purgatory of the unknown. I’m asking all of you, please do what you can to help ease the suffering that these men and women will surely be facing when Jay Leno returns to the Tonight Show.”

“The truth about the Irish,” continued Robertson, “is that they made a deal with Satan to bless them with an unholy tolerance for alcohol, and in exchange he cursed them with flaming red hair for eternity. But they have tithed and paid their dues and it’s time to forgive them and reach out and embrace their Irish-American champion, Conan O’Brien in his time of need as he is being persecuted by his Jewish overlord.”

Robertson’s followers were quick to respond.

“It breaks my heart,” said Jenene Gaither. “To think those poor souls could lose everything — their coffee breaks, the after parties, the interaction with B-list celebrities. It’s really hard to fathom. I know my meager contribution of two cases of bottled water and 13 years of Reader’s Digest back issues won’t make it right, but if we all pitch in, we can start the healing.”

“Some people might say this is frivolous,” said Oscar Frankington, pastor of the New Wave Baptist Church in Tega Cay, “but it’s important to us. We don’t watch a lot of cable television around here, and honestly, there really isn’t anything else going on that is as dramatic as what’s happening at NBC. Maybe there’s other ‘important’ things happening in other parts of the world, but this is America and TV is all we’ve got.”

Concerned citizens are urged to send relief supplies directly to the show at:
Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien
Universal Studios Lot
Lankershim Blvd.
Universal City, CA, 91608

by William Moultrie

Washington – Having just settled down for a long autumn’s nap following a marathon Congressional session on Saturday, Rep. Gresham Barrett was visited by a congregation of ghosts from America’s past. Read the full story

Throwdown Thursday / Photoshop Friday

from the publisher

It’s true that South Carolina isn’t perfect.

Our schools need a lot of work, our rivers are full of mercury, our governor gets lost hiking, our Congressmen are rude, we have a lot of racists, we insist on flying a flag in front of the Statehouse that only represents some of the people, we’ve never had a female governor or senator (in fact we’ve only ever had one female in congress), we were the first state to secede from the union, our most recently elected Treasury Secretary did time for cocaine, his former-Congressman father once called the NAACP the National Association for Retarded People (for which he apologized… to the mentally handicapped), our constitution requires elected officials to believe in god, and then there was the thing with the dude and the horse… Read the full story

by Ashley Phosphate

Mt. Pleasant – The recent decree from the Vatican opening the door for Episcopals to enter into communion with the Catholics has been met with resistance from the state’s Baptist establishment. Read the full story