Glenn Beck prevents tragedy in attempted mass bridge jumping

by William Moultrie

Greenville – Authorities prevented a near-disaster on Thursday when dozens of Glenn Beck’s loyal viewers lined up on the Liberty Bridge and appeared to be preparing to jump.

Miss McFarlane has vowed not to let her injuries keep her from following Glenn Beck's instructions.

Miss McFarlane has vowed not to let her injuries keep her from following Glenn Beck's instructions.

An off-duty police officer, Lt. Gregg Harchford,  happened to be on the bridge at the time and realized what was going on.

“It was the strangest thing,”  Harchford said, “they just started streaming onto the bridge from both directions and lined up on the both sides of the bridge.  I wouldn’t say it looked choreographed, but it was spooky. As it happens, I’d watched the Glenn Beck show the night before, so I immediately knew what was going on.”

On Wednesday night’s show, shown on Fox News Network, Beck was responding at length to a comment Rep. Bob Inglis had made last week suggesting that some of his constituents should “stop listening to Glenn Beck.” At one point during the show, Beck suggested it is “ridiculous to believe that people do whatever I say,” and continued, saying “so how about this, I want everyone in Bob Inglis’ district to meet at that pretty little pedestrian bridge in downtown Greenville at noon tomorrow, link hands, and jump off.”

Fortunately for all involved, Lt. Harchford was able to keep most of the crowd from jumping until he could contact one of Beck’s producers.

“I keep the Beck call-in line on my speed dial,” Lt. Harchford said, “and it’s a good thing too. His producer managed to track him down at the spa. We got him on speaker phone and he told the people that he was proud of them,  that they were doing the lord’s work, but they should probably get off the bridge before the cameras got there.”

Unfortunately, not all of the participants came away unscathed.  Sixty-seven year old Eunice McFarlane and seventy-one year old Troy Barnett managed to injure themselves trying to climb the railing, unconvinced that Glenn Beck was really on the phone.

“That wasn’t him on the phone,” said Barnett. “I know exactly what he said on TV yesterday and Glen Beck is a man of honor, he would never admit he was wrong, much less cave the requests of this Obama-led police state we’re living in.”

McFarlane suffered a fractured wrist while Barnett managed to limp away with a twisted ankle and some bruises.

McFarlane was unreachable at Greenville Memorial Hospital, but her doctor released a statement on her behalf saying that “Miss McFarlane’s injuries are fairly minor and the procedure to mend her wrist is a routine one that will be fully covered by her Medicare. She would also like the public to know that she suffered this injury in the name of protecting real Americans from the dangers of government-run health insurance.”

Beck briefly mentioned the episode at the beginning of Thurday night’s show, only saying that this was being blown out of proportion by the ‘main street media’ and that he wasn’t sure the incident had happened at all.

(click here to get your own “Glen’s Got My Beck” t-shirt)

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Posted in Features, Life
5 comments on “Glenn Beck prevents tragedy in attempted mass bridge jumping
  1. I swear I think this must be an Onion-type parody site. Do you guys believe this? The photo above with the person wearing the “Glenn’s Got My Beck” t-shirt is an OBVIOUS Photoshop! Any serious commentary on this post is falling for a real doozy.

  2. matt says:

    Wow.They really are lemmings.I used to think sheep but I have to apologize to all of the sheep I’ve offended.Oh my god my dad has been watching Beck,gotta go.

  3. Ya Weh says:

    I, like Glen Beck, have faith that Mormon Jesus will strike down the government option. No Kenyan will ever take from me my 50 co-pay or my right to carry loaded firearms in libraries, bars, and on the grounds of liberal left – wing universities I don’t attend

  4. WorkingTommy C says:

    Humor needs an element of truth. Luckily for you, ignorance is bliss and ignorant people apparently laugh a lot–and at the oddest things, too.

    Go get ‘em, tiger!

  5. Sick Twisted Freak #12,679,364 says:

    Sarah Palin is God and Glenn Beck is her prophet. Eugenics is here! Run for the hills!!!! Don’t look back, what ever you do do not look back.

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