by William Moultrie
Following a landmark 36-hour meeting between the governor and legislative leaders from the House and Senate, a deal has been struck to end the impasse over federal funds that will allow all parties to save face. Effective immediately South Carolina will secede (again) from the United States, and will then accept federal stimulus funds in the form of foreign aid.
“This is a winner for everyone,” said Rep. Harry Cato (R-Greenville), “South Carolina gets the money it needs, Mark Sanford gets to be president, all the state representatives and senators will all become national representatives and senators, mayors become governors, and so on. It’s trickle down politics at its finest.”
“At first I was skeptical, as I am with any idea that comes out of the state house these days,” said Carol Fowler, chair of the South Carolina Democratic party, “but now that I’m chair of the Democratic National Committee of the Sovereign Nation of South Carolina, I don’t really have time to worry about the details. I have 38 governor races to find candidates for and the clock is ticking.”
Karen Floyd, newly elected chair of the South Carolina Republican party had similar thoughts. “Sure it’s a little weird, but hey, you can’t argue with success. I’ve gone from failed candidate for Secretary of Education to national party chair in seven months. You won’t hear any complaints from me.”
“When you think about it, this was the only way any of those people were ever going to get into federal office,” said Ben Tillman, political science professor at Furman University. “I mean, look at Sanford. He clearly wants to be president, but let’s get real, you think anyone in Pennsylvania was going to vote for him? This way no one has to. There are other upsides as well — I heard that the Peace Corps is sending a team in to help build schools in Dillon, and Sally Struthers is down in Jasper County filming a spot asking for donations to help feed the poor Carolina kids.”
It’s not good news for all of South Carolina’s politicians. The state’s newly unemployed congressional delegation has been recalled to Columbia to determine their fates. Former Reps. Gresham Barrett, James Spratt, and Bob Inglis are expected to run for governor of their respective states (formerly counties), while most of the rest of the delegation are expected to be seeking ambassadorships.
The new federal government in Columbia is focusing on the positive aspects of the change.
“This is a big step in the right direction for South Carolina” said newly sworn-in President Sanford, addressing the press, “For example, yesterday we had the second highest unemployment rate in the United States, but today we’re 69th out of 197 countries in the world — we’re well into the middle of the pack, and with a little bit of hard work, we can pass Iran and move down to 70th.”
Asked what he planned on doing about a national defense, Sanford insisted he was on top of the situation. “Of course the U.S. is going to want their weapons and soldiers back from the military bases, but I’m hoping we can work out a lease agreement like they do with Cuba and Germany and keep them here and earn money at the same time. They were talking about shipping those Gitmo prisoners here anyway, now maybe we can lease them the space they were planning on using anyway.”
“Also,” Sanford continued, “we are looking for volunteers to patrol the Georgia border. We’ve worked too hard on this to sit idly by while Georgians cross the border and take South Carolina jobs.” Asked about the northern border with North Carolina, Sanford replied that protecting the southern border was “just more doable — there’s a river there so you really just have to watch the bridges.”
The White House released a statement from President Obama this morning addressing these developments. “Really? You’re joking, right? They do realize that this means Hillary will be visiting, don’t they? Maybe we took the whole Lincoln parallel one step too far.”