by William Moultrie
North Augusta – In a startling and unanimous agreement across economic, racial, and political lines, the entire population of South Carolina has agreed to relocate to an undisclosed location while Governor Sanford is away on vacation. All of the bigger cities have been cleared and the last of the residents are expected to be out of the state sometime later this week.
“We had been talking about this for some time,” said former Governor Jim Hodges, who will be a part of the interim coalition government. Some of us were ready to do it back in February when [Sanford] started making noise about the stimulus money, but it really started picking up steam in June when the big drama with the ‘chica’ started. By the time he set off on his third vacation in about a month, all of the fence-sitters had come around.”
The logistics of the relocation plan were cobbled together from a variety of sources including hurricane evacuation plans and a previously undisclosed plan to move the entire population into caves crafted by former governor David Beasley after he saw the film Deep Impact back in 1998.
“That movie scared the bejesus out of me,” said Beasley, who will co-govern the interim government with Hodges. “Did y’all see the size of those waves? It was a wake-up call and I got my top people working on the evac plan so we’d be ready. They all said ‘don’t do this’ and ‘just don’t tell anyone about this’ and ‘it’s just a movie,’ but who’s laughing now? It really is just like the movie – black president and everything – but instead of an asteroid, we’ve got Sanford who just can’t keep his fly or his mouth closed.”
Surprisingly for a move of this scale, the problems have been few and far between.
“You’re always gonna have some hiccups moving four and a half million people,” said Transportation Secretary Buck Limehouse, “but this has gone really smoothly. Truth be told, when we started getting the stimulus money for highways, we pretty much just worked on the ones that led out of the state – it was looking like this was a real possibility even before the affair was revealed. The Argentina thing just helped get the general population on board.”
The federal stimulus dollars are apparently playing a large role in the relocation.
“This works out great for us,” said U.S. Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner. “We’re gonna spend a whole bunch of money to build these folks a new state and we’ll be able to just write off the old one. I haven’t looked up the particulars yet, but I imagine writing off an entire state would give you a nice tax break.”
Though theDiscust is moving our corporate headquarters along with everyone else, we can’t reveal where New South Carolina is located until the old state has been officially emptied, the new state chartered, admitted to the union, and the interim co-governors sworn in. At that point all will be revealed and Sanford will be left to govern South Carolina and anyone who chooses to join him there.
“I know what you guys are thinking,” said Ohio resident Trish Owens. “You think there’ll be a convoy of Ohioans streaming down south and grabbing all that abandoned land. Don’t think we haven’t thought about it, but right now most of us are waiting till Sanford’s term’s over. Even beach-front isn’t worth dealing with that jackass.”
A webcam left operating in the Statehouse to capture Sanford’s reaction was being tested from a remote location Monday morning when it picked up a different reaction altogether.
“Where is everybody?” yelled Lt. Governor André Bauer, captured on the webcam, “seriously, what’s going on? Hello! Somebody! Anybody? Dammit, nobody ever tells me where they’re going.”