by Trey Bledsoe
Munich, Germany – South Carolina governor Mark Sanford stood on a table today in the renowned Bürgerbräukeller to declare his candidacy for the Presidency of the United States.
“My vision for South Carolina and the nation is one of unfettered freedom and human productivity in an environment that naturally adapts to whatever we can throw at it.” said the governor, “Even I don’t know what that means. Only we can make it a reality.”
Sanford appeared flushed and animated during the 25 minute address to an assortment of working men and low-grade government functionaries. The address was well received despite the language barrier. Many men staunched their urine flow in mid-stream to better hear.
“A national re-love-ution is breaking out! A new administration will take office and a constitutional convention held that will return us to the Articles of Confederation, the bedrock of our freedom. Now we’ve prepared the soil all around the country and our reform agenda has the support of six thousand officeholders. Increasingly, ah, these good people have…have rallied to the standard of myself and Dr. Paul.”
Although the address appeared to be somewhat impromptu, aides stated the announcement was part of a larger plan. “He’s been slack since the [Argentinian mistress adultery] scandal hit him.” said chief of staff Scott Englis, “He’s been down. This is just getting back to the old Mark.”
“I don’t know if I’d call it a plan, exactly,” said Presbyterian College Political Science Professor, Dr. Eugene Talmagdge, “Being the first declared candidate will give him some advantages: the field is clear, all future entrants must decide if they can contend with him. He’s a wily guy and he’s gonna come after Sarah Palin like a spider monkey.”
Palmetto Scoop editor Tracey Mufflin was more direct, “He’s a triple threat: all his bridges are burned, his reputation is obliterated and unless he attains higher political office, he may never work again. The man has nothing left to lose and that makes him dangerous.”
Sanford anticipated concerns as to why he declared from another country, rather than American venue, “I’m known for doing the unexpected, maybe being edgy for a governor. You know, from chaos comes great creativity. Um. C’mon back is what I’m saying.”
The crowd surged, lifted Sanford from the beer soaked table top and carried him to the near by Isar River, where he was ceremonially dunked.