by William Moultrie
Washington, DC – South Carolina Senator Jim DeMint entered the second day of his hunger strike on Tuesday, and vowed not eat again until President Obama’s health care proposal is defeated.
“I was with him in the Senators’ dining room yesterday,” said Sen. Sam Brownback (R-KS). “We were having a detailed policy discussion about the Human-Animal Hybrid legislation he’s co-sponsoring with me, when he told me that he was willing to sacrifice himself for the cause and would embark on a hunger strike and lay his life on the line to save America from Obama.” Brownback paused to wipe a tear from his cheek. “Excuse me… I get a little choked up when I think about it.”
“That’s not what happened at all,” said Sen. Mark Warner (D-VA). “I was at the table right next to them and when their waiter came back and said the kitchen was out of Senate Bean Soup, Jim was enraged and yelled at the waiter saying ‘in that case I’m not eating anything.’ Right about then he looked around and realized a good dozen or so of his colleagues as well as some reporters had witnessed his outburst, so he immediately began some meandering narrative about how he was protesting universal health care or some such nonsense.”
Representatives from the major insurance companies applauded Sen. Demint’s commitment to defeating the health care reform proposals.
“He is a hero to America,” said Gerald Karson, spokesman for Kaiser Permanente. “What he’s doing here will be remembered for generations as a great sacrifice for the American way of life. Unfortunately, it may be the last sacrifice he makes because while we respect the hell out of his effort, his insurance doesn’t cover voluntary nutritional deprivation. It’s actually kind of funny, but if he manages to last until Obama’s bill gets signed into law, he could conceivably get the medical attention he needs to survive, but I know Jim DeMint is a man of his word and he’ll never let that happen.”
DeMint says he welcomes the attention his actions are bringing to the fight for health care reform and is willing to make the ultimate sacrifice for his cause.
“The majority of Americans have been in the minority for far too long,” DeMint said. “It’s time we stand up to our oppressors and fight for what’s right, and what’s right is for the free market to do what it does best and that’s take care of our medical needs. The free market is what made this country great and now Obama wants to shove all that aside and turn us into some communistic country with socialized medicine for everyone. When has the free market ever failed us? And what’s next? Medical marijuana handed out on the street corners to anyone who has a cold? Do you really want to be like Canada?”
DeMint continued at length about the perils of universal health care and then explained the goals of his hunger strike.
“I am just one American, and there’s so very little impact a single insignificant person like myself can have on this juggernaut of Obamaism that’s brushing aside our great society, but if I have to die to prove my point, then I’m willing to do that. Insurance companies are the backbone of our medical system and they need to lead us through the 21st century. Why change what’s working so well?”
Medical professionals on Capitol Hill seemed unconcerned about the senator’s hunger strike, but doctors elsewhere were less casual in their analysis.
“It’s barely been a day,” said Dr. Randy Fogler, one of the Capitol physicians, “call me Thursday if he’s still at it and then maybe we’ll have something to talk about.”
“I saw him on TV,” said former Senate majority leader and physician, Bill Frist (R-TN), “and I can say as a medical professional and friend of Jim that he does not look good. Obviously it’s hard to properly diagnose him without seeing him in person, but I can say without a doubt that he has less than 24 hours to live. I urge all Americans to write their congressmen and ask them to oppose Obama’s health care legislation. If you don’t want to do it for yourself, do it to save Jim DeMint.”