by William Moultrie
Charleston – It’s been well over a month since the movement to draft Charleston native Stephen Colbert to run for Congress launched their website, and the host of Comedy Central’s Colbert Report persists in his lack of denials. Colbert would be vying for 1st District septuagenarian Henry Brown’s (R) seat.
“I think he’s running,” said Jean Franckleman, Awendaw resident and regular Cobert Report watcher. “I have a really good sense about these things. I was the one predicted Bush was going to run for re-election, I also predicted Lindsey Graham was going to win last time, and when McCain picked Sarah Palin, I was the first one who said that Tina Fey should play her on TV – they got that idea from me. What’s more, those are the only three politics predictions I’ve ever made. Beat that Miss Cleo.”
The recent seating of Al Franken (D-MN) in the U.S. Senate seems to have opened some eyes to the possibility that Colbert’s run for Congress could be a successful one. Franken was a writer and actor on Saturday Night for years, but his most famous role was probably Baggage Handler #1 in Trading Places, a movie that also featured Eddie Murphy and Dan Aykroyd.
“A couple years ago when he was trying to get his name on the ballot for the presidential primary, it was clearly a joke,” said Coastal Carolina University current studies professor Marco Hamm. “But it’s a whole new game now. I hadn’t realized Colbert was considering this, but this is the district that came within a few percentage points of putting a Democratic woman in office over an old white Republican guy – if that almost happened then this thing has a real chance. Hell, I’d vote for him in the primary just to see him in the debate.”
The biggest question Colbert will face may not be the stigma of the ‘TV personality’ or even the fact that he’s not a current resident of South Carolina. The real issue may be deciding which primary to enter.
“He’s got to enter the Republican primary,” said Democratic organizer Norman Krawczek. “It’ll screw them up so badly they won’t know what to do. I didn’t think he’d actually do it, but I heard that Franckleman said he was running and she’s got a pretty good track record.”
“Clearly he’s a Democrat and that’s where he needs to enter if he indeed goes through with this farce,” said Republican pollster Lincoln Merchant. “He’s lampooning the GOP on a daily basis, and nobody in this state is stupid enough to vote for him as a Republican.”
“Oh my god!” said state Republican Chairman Karen Floyd. “Is he really entering the Republican primary? I love him! He’s got to be the smartest person we’ve got out there, bar none. Whenever I’m home at night praying to god for another Ronald Reagan to come and deliver us from the Democrats in Congress and the liberals running the main stream media, I have this vision of Stephen Colbert — he just appears to me like an angel from heaven.”
Floyd’s neighbor, Frank Lampart, doesn’t share her views.
“Hell, she creeps me out with her creepy conservatism,” he said, “so every night right when I see her bedroom light go out, I turn on the TV in my guest room – the one that’s closest to her bedroom window – and crank it up, usually right around 11:30 when Colbert’s coming on. Actually, I’m not sure she owns a TV, maybe she doesn’t know who he is.”
Despite repeated attempts to find his personal phone number on the internet, Colbert was not reachable to comment on this story.