by William Moultrie
Canadays – A dozen or so disgruntled South Carolinians gathered at Colleton State Park on the Fourth of July to protest the Obama administration’s economic policies by urinating into the Edisto River. The demonstration went unnoticed until this past weekend when participant Tom Carter’s daughter, Nell Martin, talked to her father and heard his account of the event.
“I don’t know what they were thinking,” said Martin. “I mean, come on, I know he takes whatever comes out of Bill O’Reilly’s mouth as gospel, but you have to at least ask questions sometimes, especially when someone says you’re supposed to pee in the river.”
“I was just doing what Fred told me that he heard from the internets,” said Carter, referring to his neighbor Fred Johnston. “Fred says he’s on twister with Senator DeMint and everyone was supposed to have a pee party on the fourth. It seemed a little strange, but hell, we was gonna be down at the park drinking all day anyway — it actually made things easier.”
“Tom’s full of crap,” said Johnston, “I never said pee – little girls and homosensuals say ‘pee’ – if I woulda said anything of the sort I would have called it a piss party, but I didn’t, I said Tea Party, just like I read on the twitter from DeMint. I still don’t know what the hell he meant by that ’cause I ain’t gonna sit down and pretend to drink tea with dollies or some shit, but anyways, I got to the park late on account of my truck needed it’s lugs rotated, and by the time I got there, the guys were already drinking and pissing, so I sure as hell wasn’t gonna be the odd man out. Weren’t till the next day that I heard someone say it was my idea and that just ain’t true.”
Apparently the recent digital television transition contributed to the confusion.
“Sure, we all got rid of our TVs back in February when they were gonna change the TV wires,” said Robbie Franks, another of the pee partiers. “I’d heard they were changing it into some digital thing and I know enough to know that’s just code for them being able to watching what’s going on in your house through your TV and I sure as hell don’t want President Hussein Obama watching me in my living room so I threw my set out and told everyone else they should do the same. ‘Course now the only way we get to see the real fair and balanced news is on the TVs up to the Walmart in Walterboro. We try to all meet up there in the TV department three or four times a week, but they run you off after a while, so sometimes we don’t get the whole story.”
Department of Health and Environmental Control (DHEC) officials were concerned about possible river contamination, but given the seven-day lapse between the incident and the discovery, they said there was not much that could be done to mitigate any possible effects.
“Sure it’s disturbing,” said Randy Franco, Water Quality Engineer in DHEC’s Charleston office. “I live in Charleston and most of our drinking water comes from the Edisto River. The thought of drinking the result of ten men and two woman working their way through seven cases of beer isn’t particularly comforting, especially after having met and talked to them, but there’s not much to be done about it now.”
Sources inside DHEC said there are discussions of adding some sort of “no urination” stickers to the thousands of mercury advisories they already have posted on most of the rivers in the state, but there is disagreement over how to graphically convey the sentiment in a tasteful and gender-neutral manner. There is also concern that the mercury advisory and the urine warning could confuse people who are planning to fish and/or urinate in the river.
“Bunch of pansies,” said Carter, “a little pee won’t kill you, and maybe it’ll wake some people up to the crap that Obama’s trying to pull – not that any of you main stream media types will write about this anyway.”