by William Moultrie
Columbia – Governor Mark Sanford marked his return to work this week by sharing his thoughts on the abrupt resignation of Alaska governor and former vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin.
“She needs to grow up and accept her responsibility,” Sanford said. “Alaskans elected her to serve out her term and she’s letting them down. Being the governor of a major state like Alaska or South Carolina is an awesome responsibility – it’s really second only to being president – and it is a responsibility that needs to be treated with respect.”
Sanford’s comments come amidst growing calls for him to resign as governor following his admissions of at least one extra-marital affair and allusions to other trysts.
“Mark Sanford needs to take care of his own business,” responded Palin, reached for comment late Tuesday. “I like to think it’s like a basketball game. When you’re leading your team down the court for the winning basket and you’re caught flirting with a cheerleader for the other team, you don’t try to distract your teammates by criticizing a player’s decisions on a team in another city. Everyone knows that.”
“She’s throwing it away,” said Sanford. “Like Lot’s wife, she was on the right path, but now she’s turned away.”
“I, on the other hand will never resign. I was elected to serve two full terms and that’s what I’m going to do. King David served his people to the very end despite a plot to end his reign early. Barrett, Leatherman, Grooms, Peeler… the rest of you… you are my Absalom, but I, like David, will prevail. I will weep for you but I will prevail.”
“It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas” said Paul Begala, Democratic consultant. “I mean that facetiously as it’s clearly nowhere near the end of December and of course the expression implies that the continued deterioration of the Republican party is much like a gift for the Democrats. In reality, though, Hanukkah would probably be a closer analogy as the gifts seem to keep coming – a new one every day. But again, I’m just using the term metaphorically as there needs to be a clear and continued separation between elected officials and religiously-themed holidays, and that should extend into political commentary, obviously.”
“This whole thing has ‘hit list’ written all over it – first Ensign, then Sanford, and now… now they got to Sarah Palin,” said conservative commentator Bill O’Reilly, brushing back a tear. “Where will this end? I am personally hiring a bodyguard for Newt.”
Furman political science professor Ben Tillman downplayed the importance of the Republican infighting.
“It’s silly, really,” he said, “I have a better shot at the GOP nomination than either of these two. The real issue is what’s going to happen to Mark Sanford – he’s continuing as governor and it’s not obvious anybody has the power or the resolve to remove him. He would like to change the subject, but in the end, nobody really cares about Alaska. I’m sure Exxon has someone else lined up for that job already.”
Exxon refused to comment for this story.