by Ashley Phosphate
Greer – Local Principal John Birchwood approved a controversial Gun Nut club yesterday. South Carolinians for Peace immediately appealed to the school board.
Birchwood, himself a right-wing gun nut, said he learned of the need for such a club from local outdoorsmen. “Well, I was listening to a bunch of guys down at the local gun shop talking about how these kids today don’t know the country’s rich history of gun nuts, and I knew I had to act,” said Birchwood. So he searched the school’s records for students with discipline issues over guns and cross-checked with the county’s Republican party.
“After all the background checking, it was just easy,” he said. Fourth-year Sophomore Tim Delaney volunteered to be the club’s first president. “Once Birchwood explained to me how Obama is going to ban all our ammo I started asking questions. All the guys in my part of town said they knew the same things to be true, so we had to form the club,” he said.
South Carolinians for Peace spokesman Duane Phelps said that he is suspicious of the club’s claims that having guns on campus is protected under state law.
“That just doesn’t seem right to anyone I’ve talked to,” he said. Principal Birchwood disputes Phelp’s position. “He’s just a maggot as far as I’m concerned. I’m more interested in the gun nuts than those granola nuts. They’re a bunch of homos and should move away to some gay state where there aren’t any guns or gun nuts. I’m tired of them pushing their gay agenda down our throats. The Upstate won’t be overrun by this bunch on my watch,” he said.