by William Moultrie and Trey Bledsoe
Buenos Aires, Argentina – In a stunning admission at a press conference on Wednesday, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford admitted a long-standing affair with an Argentine woman. That woman has now been identified as Cristina Kirchner, current president and former first lady of Argentina.
“He is so charming, he was sweeping me off my feet,” said Kirchner, reached after Sanford’s press conference. “He has… what do you say… southern charm, which is truly ironic as he lives 5,000 miles to the norte. He has told me that he is soon to be president and since the newspapers in the United States are unconcerned with the personal lives of their leaders, we will have no problems being together.”
“She’s so cute isn’t she,” said Sanford. The governor said the affair originated with an exchange of ideas during the 2001 Free Trade Association of the Americas conference in Miami. “Some will say I have violated God’s law; but the Bible is light on the teaching of economics. Read it closely and I think you’ll agree with me that a free market means, ultimately, open marriage.”
Kirchner is currently married to former Argentina president Néstor Kirchner.
“Néstor is great, and I will always love him,” Kirchner continued, “but Mark… mmmm… he is a dream. I am madly passionate about him. I am still getting used to some of the American customs though, like how American men always leave their wallet at home, or how the act of love must be recorded on video for medical analysis.”
Critics immediately began to examine at the political implications.
“I’m left wondering who’s using who,” said Furman political science professor Ben Tillman. “Sure the sex is probably great, I mean have you seen her? And he’s in pretty good shape too. Put them together, and that’s a spicy burrito… wait, is that offensive? Don’t print that, burritos are Mexican anyway… What was the question?”
“The political implications are intriguing,” Tillman continued, after a break. “Kirchner is a Peronist and Sanford is fairly libertarian. Kirchner won the presidency by one of the widest margins since they started letting people vote again, and Sanford is widely believed to be a shoe-in for the Republican nomination for president, assuming they field a candidate in 2012. There’s very little precedent for a union like this and the international impact will be very interesting.”
“That silver tongued devil, he told me that when he’s president,” Kirchner continued, “he will persuade the British to give back the Falklands, if I would do that one thing he’s always wanted to do with his wife but she would never let him. I told him I’d be willing to think about it, but Sarah Palin didn’t strike me as the type.”
Hours after his news conference in Columbia, Sanford expressed frustration with the American press and bloggers.
“Where is my Evita parody?” Sanford demanded. “Seriously, I couldn’t have set you up better if I’d handed you all a script. Argentina, crying, spicy latin woman… Come on guys, I want at least three musical mashups on YouTube by tonight. Don’t let me down. I promised Cristina that you guys would come through for me.”