by William Moultrie

Columbia – South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford made national headlines this week with his now-famous disappearing act, but new research reveals that he is only one of millions of missing South Carolinians.

Of the state’s estimated 4.5 million residents, over one half of them are missing and unaccounted for according to a new survey conducted on Tuesday.

“We’re as shocked as everyone else,” said Cindy Shoffrin of the Gallup organization. “On Tuesday morning we began conducting a poll in South Carolina to gauge people’s opinions of the governor in light of the recent developments, and were dismayed at the large number of households who either didn’t answer, or told us that the person we were looking for was not available and there was no information on when they would be available in the future. The first couple of times this happened I offered to call 911 and help organize some sort of reward-for-information program, but the person on the phone invariably declined and seemed to be willing to go it alone. Those are some brave, brave souls down there and my heart goes out to them.”

The final polling numbers are still being studied and haven’t been released, but the target sample size was estimated to be about 940 people.  An unnamed source at Gallup said that over 500 of the targeted people were unreachable, which equates to the statistical probability that over half of the state’s population is also unreachable and therefore unaccounted for. The source thought the margin of error would probably be +/- 4%, though that particular source works in the graphics department and couldn’t elaborate further.  “It’s usually +/- 4%, so this one probably will be too” the source said.  “To be honest,” he continued, “the report template I use automatically inserts +/- 4%, so that’s a pretty safe bet.”

“I don’t know what to make of this,” said Lt. Governor Andre Bauer. “I know a lot of people in this state, and I would expect that if half them just sauntered off, someone would have called to tell me, or at least left some sort of contact information.”

Dozens of late night research calls for this story went unanswered.

God help us.