by William Moultrie
[update: the Governor has been located]
Columbia – State police are on high alert as the hunt for still-missing Governor Mark Sanford enters it’s fourth day. Sanford was last seen on Thursday of last week in a state-owned black SUV. Anyone who spots the SUV is urged to call the police. The SUV can be identified by the “Guv Luv” license plate and a “Keep Your Funds Off My State” bumper sticker.
Mexican tourist Marco Sanforchez was unable to help authorities in their search for the governor.
“At this time we do not suspect foul play,” said Sgt. Rusty Nailor of the South Carolina Law Enforcement Division (SLED). “He’s tried to escape before, but he’s never eluded us for this long. I’m not worried, though, the dogs got his scent and we’ll catch him. If he’s reading this, he should know he’d be better off coming back on his own than letting us catch him — if you know what I mean.”
Rumors surfaced this morning that he was holed up in a motel room at South of the Border but all they found at the hotel was a Mexican tourist, Marco Sanforchez, who apparently only knew how to say “No hablo english” and “No dinero por favor.”
“We showed Mr. Sanforchez a picture of the governor to see if he recognized him, but he got real uncomfortable and ran away,” said Sgt. Nailor. “We figured he was probably an illegal but we ain’t got time to deal with that today so we just let him go.”
The governor’s wife seemed unconcerned about Sanford’s disappearance.
“This happens all the time,” said Jenny Sanford, South Carolina’s First Lady, “he gets in this weird kick about wanting ‘frijoles’ and saying things like ‘they don’t have to put up with this crap in Mexico’ and then he’ll just disappear for a few days. No big deal… he’ll eventually show up with some tacky souvenirs and some cold nachos — just wait and see.”
Most South Carolinians seemed equally unmoved by today’s developments.
Motorists around the state are helping with the search.
“Who?” asked Cary Hilliam, of Columbia.
“You mean that college in California?” asked Sam Wainscott, also of Columbia. “How does a whole school disappear.” When corrected, Wainscott replied “Oh, I see… the governor… what was the question?”
The leadership of the State House and Senate met in a closed-door meeting late on Monday to discuss the situation.
“We’re thinking that if nobody noticed he was gone for over half a week, maybe we can just pay him for half the time,” said House Speaker Bobby Harrell (R-Charleston). “It’s a cost-cutting measure the governor would be proud of.”
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Who cares where the good gov. went? Maybe he had to take a mad, long $—. As long as he used his own pocket money and NOT the state’s money, the problem only lies between him and his wife.
If his wife was a wise woman, she would know that swingers have the BEST marriages.
I can’t help but picture him in the opening scenes of Mission Impossible II, solo climbing to the top of Grandfather Mountain, listening to Iko Iko on his Ipod, only to reach the Summit when the serenity is suddenly and abruptly overwhelmed by a SLED helicopter! The gunner fires a missile that contains a pair of high tech sunglasses with a micro mp3 player that contains an audio/video message from Obama’s Stimulus team explaining how to spend the $787 billion recently received, then a warning to make sure to tell then aware of his whereabouts during his next vacation. As Sanford sees the fog lift overt the swinging bridge, he says to himself…If I told you that, it wouldn’t be a vacation. Then he throws the sunglasses into the air, seconds later they self-destruct and dollar bills float to the throngs…all is well! Would you like to contribute to a Top 4 list? Top 4 places the Governor spent the past 6 days: http://www.975wcos.com/pages/Jonathonrush.html