by William Moultrie
[update: the Governor has been located]
Columbia – State police are on high alert as the hunt for still-missing Governor Mark Sanford enters it’s fourth day. Sanford was last seen on Thursday of last week in a state-owned black SUV. Anyone who spots the SUV is urged to call the police. The SUV can be identified by the “Guv Luv” license plate and a “Keep Your Funds Off My State” bumper sticker.
“At this time we do not suspect foul play,” said Sgt. Rusty Nailor of the South Carolina Law Enforcement Division (SLED). “He’s tried to escape before, but he’s never eluded us for this long. I’m not worried, though, the dogs got his scent and we’ll catch him. If he’s reading this, he should know he’d be better off coming back on his own than letting us catch him — if you know what I mean.”
Rumors surfaced this morning that he was holed up in a motel room at South of the Border but all they found at the hotel was a Mexican tourist, Marco Sanforchez, who apparently only knew how to say “No hablo english” and “No dinero por favor.”
“We showed Mr. Sanforchez a picture of the governor to see if he recognized him, but he got real uncomfortable and ran away,” said Sgt. Nailor. “We figured he was probably an illegal but we ain’t got time to deal with that today so we just let him go.”
The governor’s wife seemed unconcerned about Sanford’s disappearance.
“This happens all the time,” said Jenny Sanford, South Carolina’s First Lady, “he gets in this weird kick about wanting ‘frijoles’ and saying things like ‘they don’t have to put up with this crap in Mexico’ and then he’ll just disappear for a few days. No big deal… he’ll eventually show up with some tacky souvenirs and some cold nachos — just wait and see.”
Most South Carolinians seemed equally unmoved by today’s developments.
“Who?” asked Cary Hilliam, of Columbia.
“You mean that college in California?” asked Sam Wainscott, also of Columbia. “How does a whole school disappear.” When corrected, Wainscott replied “Oh, I see… the governor… what was the question?”
The leadership of the State House and Senate met in a closed-door meeting late on Monday to discuss the situation.
“We’re thinking that if nobody noticed he was gone for over half a week, maybe we can just pay him for half the time,” said House Speaker Bobby Harrell (R-Charleston). “It’s a cost-cutting measure the governor would be proud of.”