by Howard Beale
Columbia, SC – South Carolina State Treasurer Curtis Loftis announced today that the state would be launching a new “sure-fire” solution to budget shortfalls for the foreseeable future by building a casino on the grounds of the Statehouse in Columbia.
Loftis held a press conference on the Statehouse grounds next to the statue of Strom Thurmond on Wednesday to announce the move.
“We did a little research and it turns out that since the land the Statehouse is built on belongs to the people of South Carolina,” Loftis said, “and the census tells us that there are at least half a percent of them are Native American, then we’re pretty sure it’s legal to build a casino right here.”
Several states have encouraged the growth of casinos and other gaming ventures, but this would mark the first time that a state government has actually owned its own casino.
Loftis was quick to quell fears of Columbia turning into Las Vegas.
“We understand there are going to be some concerns about this, but I can assure you this will be a classy venture and will be making a whole heap of money for the taxpayers. We’ll feature all the usual stuff like blackjack and poker and slots, but to keep it classy, we’re going to insist that the waitress wear skirts that go at least halfway to their knees. We don’t need none of that trash stuff around here.”
“We’re losing revenue potential revenue to these online casinos I keep hearing about and frankly we want that money.”
The state legislature – apparently caught off-guard by the announcement – immediately began planning an emergency session to decide where on the new casino the confederate flag should be displayed.
A delegation from the upstate proposed the casino be branded with a confederate flag theme, but reconsidered when it was pointed out that an NAACP boycott of the new project could hurt the bottom line.
Construction is scheduled to begin immediately.