Giant meteor headed towards Earth, GOP not falling for it

by William Moultrie

Mauna Kea Observatories, Hawaii — Astronomers from around the world are trying to get the word out that a giant meteor is heading directly towards the earth, but the government shutdown in the United States is severely limiting further research and exploration of potential solutions.

“I’m telling you that this is as real as it gets,” implored Dr. Marcus Wolf, senior astrophysicist at the Mauna Kea Observatory. “We need to turn all our attention to this right now if we are to have any chance of surviving as a species.”

Don't worry, it's not a preexisting condition.

Don’t worry, it’s not a preexisting condition.

The National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) is one of the many government agencies that have been virtually closed due to the government shutdown caused by Congress’ failure to pass legislation to fund the government. House Republicans have as yet refused to pass a bill to fund the government that doesn’t include measures to defund the Affordable Care Act (ACA – aka “Obamacare”).  The ACA is already law, having been passed by both houses of Congress, signed by the president, and upheld by the Supreme Court.

Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) was unmoved when informed of the situation.

“That sounds important and we’ll look into it, but the top priority for Congress has to be defeating Obamacare,” said Cruz. “If there’s one threat to life on Earth as we know it, it’s clearly Obamacare, and we have a moral obligation to do everything possible to stop it. If that means taking a chance that a big rock might hit the planet, then that’s a chance I’m willing to take.”

“Don’t get me started on all that science mumbo jumbo,” said Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN) when reached for comment. “These so-called scientists say that a meteor hit the earth 65 million years ago and killed the so-called ‘dinosaurs,’ but I’ve got it on good authority that the Earth is less than 10,000 years old, so they clearly can’t be trusted.”

Wolf estimates the new meteor to be roughly twice the size of the one that is thought to have caused mass extinction of dinosaurs.

Wolf and his colleague, graduate student Leo Biederman, discovered the asteroid last week while making observations of Venus. Wolf tried to call NASA to relay his findings, but was greeted by an answering machine and a message saying that the “voicemail box of this user is full.” He had similar results in attempts to contact the offices of the Air Force Space Command in Colorado.

“We were doing some fairly routine observations of Venus,” said Wolf, “when we spotted a new object in our field of view. After refocusing our equipment on the new object and doing some research and calculations, it became apparent that this was a new, and very large object, and it’s become obvious that the object is on a course to intersect Earth’s orbit.”

Asked about the name of the meteor, Wolf said he and Biederman had discussed it at length.

“It’s tempting to name something this important after yourself,” said Wolf, “but we felt a better way to go would be to quote a famous Republican in the spirit of current events and give it the unconventional name: ‘They blew it up! God, damn you! Damn you all to hell!‘”


Tagged with: , , , , , , ,
Posted in Features, Politics, Technology
13 comments on “Giant meteor headed towards Earth, GOP not falling for it
  1. Dan says:

    Marie Boyd,
    I have heard this from many. Yes in many states (Florida, Georgia, Louisiana, Arkansas and more) Children have been taken criminally and never to be seen again. 800,000 children disappear every year from city streets. Nobody knows where they go. We never hear about them. However if one child disappears from a wealthy family we see it all over the news. Remember Bonet-Ramsey, that one turned out to be a scam with actors.
    Often children go into the “system” to be lost and never seen again.
    George Bush Senior was indicted in a child trafficking pedophilia event in 1988 yes NOTHING was done about it. This is how the government elite have taken advantage of the system and they need to be removed, reduced to equal with the lowest of classes and brought to justice with the guillotines we have already paid for.

  2. Marie Boyd says:

    Well some of us have been living with the Government ruining our lives for a long time. We have been all over face book, all over social media, all over state house steps , along with the White House Steps. So now it looks like the state the Government is hurting not just people ,using Cps, or DCF to steal children. Well it’s all put in writing by our Government, Title v monies. Just read it, it’s all on here. It’s a cash cow,the social workers, who also are above the law, immunity to prosecution, WHY. WHY would a social worker have immunity, well so they can take children using a police officer without any warrant,to show up at your home, lie about anything to get the children out, even breaking down the door. If they can lie about enough family members then they adopt them out, and then the office gets a bonus. So you see this government has ruined my happiness, My right for my family to be happy. So there goes the Constitution. So I am happy the government is shut down, if it stops another family from going through what I have then so be it. As far as Bachmann goes she is the big supporter of this. To the man who is supporting his family, and I am telling you this because it’s true. They could come out and take your children saying that their parents cannot afford to take care of them. They do it everyday. This country is corrupt, the politicians are, the judicial system is. Imagine being taken to court for a trial to have your parental rights terminated, but you have no jury. What happened to people, and we cannot get any one to help the thousands upon thousands of us. They might as well be shut down, they never did a thing for my grandchildren ,except of course rip them from loving arms,to sell them.

  3. Haven Safe says:

    William Moultrie GO FUCK YOURSELF and your fucking bullshit !

  4. Fran says:

    Nice hoax but quickly uncovered. Indeed Gerald is right: there is no “Dr Marcus Wolf” at any of the 13 Mauna Kea obsertatories – Marcus Wolf was a fictional astronomer in the movie “Deep Impact” (1998). Too bad so many people fall for hoaxes like this!

  5. Dan says:

    Oh come on now! Don’t break the fear mongering paradigm with facts.

  6. gerald Taylor says:

    Really? Dr Marcus Wolf is a FICTIONAL character as is Leo Biederman in a film, Deep Impact a 1998 American science fiction disaster film.. Complete bullshit. Go check the Mauna Kea Observatories and see their staff lists.. You obviously wouldn’t recognize the truth if it rode in on a meteor. Idiots go get a real Job.

  7. Dan says:

    It is important to remember that the Federal Government owns nothing. It cannot legally sell anything without the proceeds going to the people and without the people’s authorization. The concept of “Implied Consent” as well as the politicians making themselves exempt from prosecution for laws that we would go to jail for breaking must end.
    If I sold your car without permission, I would go to jail. If I were co commit insider trading I would go to jail yet they are exempt from prosecution.
    Remember OUR taxes went to paying for government properties and lands. Every memorial belongs to the people. Every BLM property belongs to the people. Every national park every state owned monument belongs to those who paid for it.
    If it is deemed good enough for the tax payer it is good enough for the politician and every other federal worker in the country.

    The government owns nothing and cannot legally stop THE PEOPLE from enjoying what they already own. However there need to be laws that stop people from criminally damaging public lands. That includes corporations fracking and destroying the ecology of out lands. It includes the chemical spraying of aluminum and other contaminants without our permission and them hiding behind the lies of GEO Engineering.

    Americans need to wake up to these facts, and bear witness to criminals hiding behind political positions.

    Or as McCain just said “Communism. Get used to it.”

    I did not work for 22 years in the military to have my retirement increasingly taxed in a “wealth redistribution” plan to provide benefits to people who only know government handouts as their income. My American Dream is being stolen as is yours. Today I house three families as both my children and their families are fighting unemployment but there are no jobs. 47 million Americans are on the government dole. Many because there are no jobs. Why are there no jobs? Because the government has failed in their responsibilities to the people and the wealthy Elite have been allowed to ship jobs overseas. One would be extremely surprised at how many connections members of federal government have to those corporations that have shipped jobs away from America.

  8. Dave says:

    How stupid and uneducated can one grown adult be? We actually have these people in office? People actually voted for these pieces of shit for brains? Simply astounding!

  9. Jerry Callis says:

    I hope the damn thing lands right on top of Cruz and Bachmann. They have proved that they are ignorant and self centered.

  10. ankhaton says:


    and what will come for real

  11. Jai T says:

    UMMMM y’all could have been a bit more original….the movie has already been made, including Leo Biederman.

  12. Dan says:

    Well there is no reason to be worried it is a natural event and living on a 10,000 or less year old Earth (smirk) would simply mean that God decided that humanity is no longer worthy because we cannot keep our criminal leadership in line.
    We are not worthy when we cannot stop wars, criminal banking, poisoning of the food supply by corporations as well as destruction of the planet through Geo Engineering.

    Any people who would allow the government to pass laws making themselves exempt from criminal prosecution and when the people break the same laws they are sent to jail.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *


You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>

The editorial content of this site is satire and parody. Real news is clearly marked. Lighten up.