by William Moultrie
Washington, DC – Conservative Republican firebrand, Tea Party darling, and former presidential contender Representative Michele Bachmann has announced that she will be leaving her adopted home state of Minnesota following the passage of a new law legalizing same-sex marriage in the state.
“I’m not leaving Minnesota, Minnesota has left me and has left behind the biblical principals upon which this great nation was founded” said Bachmann at a press conference held just hours after Governor Mark Dayton signed the historic bill. “If I wanted to live in Soddom, I’d plant my roots right here in DC.”
“Marcus and I are committed to getting out of Minnesota as soon as possible,” Bachmann continued. “I can’t tell you how many times every day he tells me how icky he finds the thought of homosexuality, and I know he means it because he gets all worked up about it and is virtually out of breath and gasping for air when he tells me how gross he thinks it is when he calls in the middle of the night on those four or five times a week when he works really late at his office or is visiting a client.”
The Minnesota state senate passed the bill 37-30 and Dayton signed it on Tuesday making the state the 12th in the nation to legalize same-sex marriage.
“I’ve seen this coming for a while and I’ve been doing research on a suitable place for my family to relocate and I keep coming back to South Carolina,” said Bachmann. “I spent an awful lot of time there during the last presidential election and I can tell you that they are good christian souls who don’t stand for this kind of buggery.”
Some analysts are suggesting that Bachmann is actually setting the stage for another presidential run by moving to the key primary state enabling her to spend much more time with potential voters, but she has denied such motivations.
“I’m not moving to South Carolina to run for president,” said Bachmann, “but I am looking into moving to the 1st Congressional District where (former governor Mark) Sanford just won his election. It appears their standards are pretty flexible, and those are the kind of voters I can relate to.”