by William Moultrie
Columbia – New details are emerging about the gorilla slur incident that has been captivating political blogs across the state and around the country this week.
“This is all just a huge misunderstanding,” said Mike, the gorilla who escaped from his pen last Friday, “this has been blown way out of proportion.”
“Mike, Kimya, and I were sitting around having a discussion about the upcoming election,” said Chaka, another of the three gorillas in the habitat. “Next year the animals in the zoo will pick a new leader, and Mike keeps talking about how we should stick with the elephants. He’s going on and on about how the elephants are doing such a good job and they’ve been in charge for so long and how we should stay the course…”
“Finally, I couldn’t take it any more and said that maybe it was time to bring a donkey into the zoo. I said that I’d heard that zoos in other parts of the south were starting to look more towards the donkeys, and maybe it would be worth a shot. That’s when all hell broke loose.”
What followed was described as a intense but fair argument of the issues.
“I was on lookout duty starting at about 9 a.m. Friday, and I saw and heard the whole thing,” said Timon, a meerkat in an adjacent habitat. “After Chaka said the thing about the donkeys, it started to get ugly. Mike started to pound his chest and then Chaka started to pound his chest. This went on for a while until Kimya jumped in and, of course, took Chaka’s side. At this point, being out-chest pounded two to one, Mike began to fling poo. It was all downhill from there. All-in-all, a pretty standard discussion for those guys.”
Other witnesses describe the debate as lasting for about ten minutes.
“We had a healthy dialog going,” said Kimya, “and it looked like we were going to just agree to disagree, when Mike muttered something under his breath as he walked away. Chaka asked him to repeat himself, so he turned around and said loudly ‘I said you guys look like you’re related to Rusty DePass.’”
“That was the last straw,” said Chaka. “Kimya and I reared up to our full height, gave a couple pounds on the chest, and went after him. We were only going to scare him, and maybe take a couple tufts of fur for good measure, but he took off running and scaled that wall like a Jackie Chan.”
Asked why that remark was such an incendiary comment, Kimya said that there was some bad blood between the three over an argument last year where Mike dismissed the notion that gorillas and humans might have a common ancestor — a belief that Chaka and Kimya share.
“He knew that would set us off. I mean really, just because we have a common ancestry doesn’t mean that humans were our ancestors — that’s ridiculous and he knows it. And add to that the association with Rusy DePass… I mean, I don’t want to disparage other species, but if we bore a resemblance to any human, it would be to Al Gore — I saw a picture of him when he had a beard and had put on a few pounds and I had to do a double-take, he looked just like my uncle.”
“It’s all academic anyway,” said Timon, “this zoo is and always has been controlled by the elephants. The only question is which elephant it’s going to be this time.”
“I’m not sure why the humans are getting upset about this,” said Mike, “it really has nothing to do with them — surely they have their own problems to deal with.”