by William Moultrie
Columbia, SC – Following Sen. Jim DeMint’s unexpected retirement, pundits immediately began to speculate that South Carolina’s Governor Nikki Haley would appoint herself to the seat, but Haley has officially announced she will not be doing that.
“I am considering several candidates for the post,” said Haley, “but to make the best choice I have to be completely objective, and after reviewing the record I’ve discovered that I’m simply not qualified.”
Haley went on to list examples of why she felt she would be a poor choice to fill DeMint’s seat in the Senate.
“There are really too many examples of my poor leadership to list, but I’ll give you a few of the highlights:
- First and foremost is the whole mess with taxpayer records being hacked at the Department of Revenue. Wow, my administration really dropped the ball on that, and then I came out and said all kinds of contradictory things about why it happened and what we were doing to fix it. Plus it’s all going to cost the taxpayers hundreds of millions of dollars, so that’s pretty bad.
- Also, I vetoed funds for the Coalition Against Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault because I said rape prevention would distract from the agency’s broader mission of protecting South Carolina’s public health. It makes sense to me, but a lot of people got upset about it.
- Then there’s the whole “government transparency” thing I based my whole campaign around. It turns out when you promise to have a more transparent government and then actually make the government less transparent, people get kind of upset.
- And there was that thing back when I was applying for a job at the Lexington Medical Center and I told them my current annual salary was $125,000 but at the same time I told the IRS my annual salary was $22,000. It was a while ago and I’m not sure which version was true, but it does seem I may have been misleading one of them.
“Needless to say, after considering all of that and my plunging popularity along with plenty of other stuff you guys don’t even know about, I’m clearly not the best choice for the seat in the Senate.”
Haley went on to say she would be making her final decision about who she would appoint to the Senate soon.