by William Moultrie
Myrtle Beach – Santee Cooper held a press conference today announcing what they describe as a “bold new strategy” that will lead the way to South Carolina’s “energy future.”
“We’ve been concerned about the economy just like everybody else” said Santee Cooper CEO Lefty Crappier, “but fortunately we’re in a position to do something about it. The downturn in the economy has led to a downturn in energy demand — and of course lower demand threatens our supply levels. We’re in the process of building a massive coal-fired power plant and with the demand for the power this plant will be generating in question, we’re left with only one choice… We’re getting into the theme park business.”
Santee Cooper will be assuming full control of the former Hard Rock Park in Myrtle Beach effective immediately.
“It’s a perfect situation” said spokeswoman Lois Narnia, “Myrtle Beach is where we were going to send most of the power anyway and now we’ll be able to control the supply and the demand. Starting today, all the rides in the park will be running 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Also, we’re hoping to open the park up to the public sometime in the next month or two.”
The park had reopened briefly under the name “Freestyle Music Park” but Santee Cooper was able to reach a deal to purchase the property after they suggested the newly reopened park might be subject to residential rates for their power instead of the much lower commercial rates. When it opens, the park will be re-re-branded as Santee Cooper 2: Electric Boogaloo.
Crappier also revealed that Santee Cooper had entered into an agreement with Shaolin Electronics, LLC. to supply lighting for the soon-to-be reborn amusement park.
“It’s funny when you think about it,” said Crappier, “for years we’ve been handing out literature talking about how much electricity you can save with [compact fluorescent bulbs], so when we were looking around for a way to increase base load demand it was staring us right in the face. It didn’t take long to find an incandescent bulb factory desperate to unload some inventory, so we signed an exclusive twenty-year agreement to buy every bulb they make. We’ll be able to bring as many as 50,000 new incandescent bulbs online a day as needed to keep the base load at a constant growth. People don’t understand… It’s all about the base load.”
“There’s a green energy component to this as well” Crappier continued, “there should be enough light generated from the new park to fully-charge any solar energy systems within several miles. And that’ll be free! The sun doesn’t charge for solar energy and neither will Santee Cooper — it’ll be like having our very own sun right here in Myrtle Beach, but unlike the real sun, this one will be visible 24/7.”
Asked about whether this was a good investment for a state-owned utility to be making, Crappier was emphatic in his assertion that it was.
“This is a great deal for the people of South Carolina. They’ll have a world-class amusement park and in addition to a 5% discount on Monday afternoons, Santee Cooper customers will be able to pay their electric bills at a kiosk right on the midway.”
Santee Cooper released a packet containing details of the changes that can be expected at the park. From the new brochure:
- The Emory River Coal Ash Flume Ride — Prepare to get soaked
- Clean Coal Power — A virtual adventure
- Day after Tommorowland — Explore the majestic plains of Appalacia and the undersea world of Charleston.