by William Moultrie
Atlanta, GA – Buoyed by the outpouring of support from conservatives around the country, Chick-fil-A executives are preparing to bring more religion into their restaurants, in part by keeping menstruating women out.
The fast food chain has appointed noted biblical scholar Jules Winnfield to head up a new task force to seek out and implement new policies based on scripture.
“We have spent a lot of time examining the way we do business, a lot of time reading the bible, and we’ve done an awful lot of praying,” said Winnfield, reading a prepared statement. “If there’s one thing we’ve learned over the past couple weeks, it’s that our loyal customers are god-fearing Christians who understand why the word of God is important, and as a result, we’ve come up with some significant changes we’ll be making in the near future to better-comply with biblical principles.”
Winnfield listed numerous changes, including eliminating pork products from the breakfast menu (Deuteronomy 14:8) and changing the crew uniforms to unmixed all-natural fibers (Leviticus 19:19), but the most controversial new policy will limit the days female employees work so as to not overlap with their menstrual cycles.
“We prayed long and hard over these restrictions,” said Winnfield, “but the Leviticus is very clear that women should not be touched on those days when they are impure. And I quote: When a woman has a discharge of blood, which is her regular discharge from her body, she shall be in her impurity for seven days, and whoever touches her shall be unclean until evening. – Leviticus 15:19-20.”
“We’ve decided that the easiest way to implement this policy is to just not schedule women to work during their periods. Female employees at all of our restaurants as well as at our corporate headquarters will be required to provide an updated schedule of their cycle at the beginning of each month for planning purposes. And of course we’ll need to be kept up-to-date if their ‘monthly visitor’ is late or if they are taking any medication that might alter it.”
“Of course it’s not just our employees who menstruate, but we can’t really ask our customers to be as forthcoming with their own details, so we’ll have to rely on the honor system for that. But I think we’ve seen this week that our customers are true Christians who understand why it’s important to follow the good book to the letter. Therefore, we will be asking menstruating women not to visit our restaurants, but if they must, to please use the drive-thru lane.”
Winnfield went on to say that his task force would be implementing more changes down the road. He didn’t field any questions from the press, instead offering a long quote from the Old Testament:
The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy My brothers. And you will know My name is the Lord when I lay My vengeance upon thee. – Ezekiel 25:17
“We are trying really hard to be the shepherd,” said Winnfield.