by William Moultrie
Nashville, TN – Rumors of Mitt Romney’s pilfered tax returns spread around the internet like wildfire this week, with nobody able to conclusively prove that it actually happened, until now. Our network of hackers has provided us with the encrypted file containing Romney’s past ten years of tax returns and we have managed to break the encryption.
Earlier this week an anonymous group of hackers claimed to have stolen Romney’s tax returns from accounting firm Pricewaterhouse Coopers’ file servers and encrypted them in a file. They then threatened to release the encryption key to the public if their ransom of $1 million in bitcoins was not paid by the Romney campaign. Alternatively, they offered to give the key to anyone who paid the same $1 million in bitcoins. Bitcoins are an artificial, untraceable currency that resides exclusively on the internet.
Unlike Romney, not many people can afford to retain an entire multinational corporation to handle their taxes. Most people would be more likely to earn their own masters in taxation and take care of their own finances, but most people are not billionaires, or even bitcoinaires.
We have no bitcoins, so we decided to have a go at cracking the encryption, with surprising results (see below).
We are still sorting through the data, but the most surprising revelations so far:
- He stiffed the Mormons: Romney donated a meager 3% of his declared income to the church instead of the required 10%. Granted that’s more money than most of the other Mormons combined, but still…
- He covered his bases: Almost every year until 2007, Romney donated to both Planned Parenthood and several major anti-abortion non-profits.
- He helped the needy: He loaned money to an inner-city water polo team for pool repairs at a very modest sub-prime interest rate.
- He bought a lot of… something: Romney spent an average of about $2,500 a year at an unidentified mail-order company in the San Fernando Valley in California.
- He bought a video tape: In 2002, Romney paid $50,000 to an unnamed man in Albany New York for a video tape of the 1983 Romney Family Vacation. Presumably it features footage of Seamus the dog on top of their car.
- He spent a lot of time traveling to Switzerland and Grand Cayman: One can only assume he was visiting the money he hadn’t paid taxes on.
There are many more revelations to come, so stay tuned for more.
How we cracked the encryption
TheDiscust received a copy of the encrypted file yesterday and decided to take a shot at unlocking it ourselves. Unfortunately, the chances of unlocking an encrypted file by guessing are vastly less likely than winning the lottery, so we decided to try the most logical thing and used winning lottery numbers to crack the encryption. We got it on the third try with Tuesday’s winning Mega Millions numbers of 16, 32, 39, 41, 53, and 16.