by William Moultrie
Columbia, SC – Amid the sad news of the death of one of the world’s foremost leaders in the application of government transparency, there is a bright spot: South Carolina’s Governor Nikki Haley now holds the title of “World’s Most Transparent Leader.”
“I feel for the people of North Korea who, thanks to their late leader, enjoy unparalleled access to the inner workings of their government,” said Haley in a prepared statement, “but this is a great day for South Carolina. I have worked hard in my first year as governor to create an open government every bit as transparent and accessible as that of North Korea and now we will be getting the recognition we deserve.”
When Haley took over the reins of the governor’s office from her predecessor Mark Sanford, South Carolina was nowhere to be found in most listings of the foremost open governments. But in less than 12 months Haley had catapulted the state up to the number two spot in the most recent rankings behind North Korea. With Kim Jong Il’s passing, South Carolina and Nikki Haley will now assume the top position.
The central themes to Haley’s campaign for governor in 2010 were transparency and accountability, and she wasted no time implementing new policies to advance those goals.
“No administration is without it’s naysayers and whiners,” said Haley, “but I don’t think anyone can argue with our results. We had a clear plan to streamline the flow of information from our office to the people of the state as follows:
- We first identified media outlets that could be relied on to pass along any factual information and interpretations that we gave them. Unfortunately we quickly found that this state is a hotbed of tabloid journalism and little girls pretending to be reporters, so we now only talk to Fox News.
- We quickly realized that meetings between the governor and other cabinet officers are not very interesting, so we went ahead and closed a lot of those to the public so as not to lose the interest of the average voter. We recognize that our citizens have a short attention span and we respect that.
- There are an enormous amount of documents and emails generated by the governor’s staff in the course of our daily business and almost none of them are interesting or important. In order to streamline the flow of information, we have proactively destroyed documents and deleted emails to ensure that there are no obstacles to the free-flow of the important information from our office to the people of our state.”
Haley concluded “We have answered every question that we have acknowledged as valid with full and complete answers, and have handed over every single email and document that hadn’t already been deleted or destroyed as soon as we got around to it.”
“You’re welcome South Carolina.”