by William Moultrie
Washington, DC – Many Christian conservatives are in a quandary this week, their attention divided between beltway politics, top candidates dropping out of the presidential race, and a potential rapture predicted to occur on Saturday.
If there’s one thing Republicans do agree on, however, it’s that if and when there is a rapture, a lot more Republicans will be drawn to the heavens to meet their reward than Democrats.
A national poll conducted this week revealed that 80% of Republicans believe they will be saved while only 40% of Republicans think any Democrats will be joining them. The same survey indicated that few Republicans were concerned by their belief that their departure would leave most legislative bodies in the country with Democratic majorities.
“Not so fast,” said Jesus, speaking to theDiscust in a rare telephone interview. “I’m not saying that I’m coming back this weekend, or in 2012, or even on August 21, 2017 — and by the way, don’t make plans on that day — but what I am willing to reveal is that a lot of the folks who are pretty smug in thinking they’re doing my work are in for a rude awakening.”
“You wouldn’t believe the crap that’s been pulled in my name,” continued Christ. “It’s like people just think you can say ‘in Jesus’ name’ and it makes everything Kosher, and it’s just not the case. I’m not going to go into all the stuff people say about me that’s not true, ’cause frankly a lot of it is stuff I wish I’d done and I don’t want people to think I’m lame. What I really want to do, though, is get through to people that I’m not a Republican or a Democrat and that it annoys me when people assume I’m on their side. The truth is, if I were to choose a political party, it would probably be one in Israel or Palestine. I’m not an American — never been there — and honestly with my criminal record I doubt they’d even give me a visa to come for a visit.”
Many Christians believe that when Christ returns to earth, the faithful believers will be carried off to heaven while those who are unrepentant or unfortunate enough to be Jewish, Muslim, Buddhist, et al., will be left to a hell on earth. Christians tend to think this will be a wonderful time, while many Jews and Muslims also feel it might make for a nice change.
Christ said he had a few more calls to make, but when pressed on the possibility of a return this weekend, he did give a little more insight.
“Of course I can’t rule it (a May 21 rapture) out, but then again I won’t rule any day out, because if you start giving people a more solid idea of when the end is, they’ll try to game the system and do bad stuff up until it’s close to the end and then seek forgiveness. If it helps, though, I will say that I already have my advance tickets to The Hangover Part II, so take that for what it’s worth.”