GOP expects to lose majority post-rapture; Jesus says “not so fast”

by William Moultrie

Washington, DC – Many Christian conservatives are in a quandary this week, their attention divided between beltway politics, top candidates dropping out of the presidential race, and a potential rapture predicted to occur on Saturday.

"Hey, I thought I was going there too."

"Hey, I thought I was going there too."

If there’s one thing Republicans do agree on, however, it’s that if and when there is a rapture, a lot more Republicans will be drawn to the heavens to meet their reward than Democrats.

A national poll conducted this week revealed that 80% of Republicans believe they will be saved while only 40% of Republicans think any Democrats will be joining them. The same survey indicated that few Republicans were concerned by their belief that their departure would leave most legislative bodies in the country with Democratic majorities.

“Not so fast,” said Jesus, speaking to theDiscust in a rare telephone interview. “I’m not saying that I’m coming back this weekend, or in 2012, or even on August 21, 2017 — and by the way, don’t make plans on that day — but what I am willing to reveal is that a lot of the folks who are pretty smug in thinking they’re doing my work are in for a rude awakening.”

“You wouldn’t believe the crap that’s been pulled in my name,” continued Christ. “It’s like people just think you can say ‘in Jesus’ name’ and it makes everything Kosher, and it’s just not the case. I’m not going to go into all the stuff people say about me that’s not true, ’cause frankly a lot of it is stuff I wish I’d done and I don’t want people to think I’m lame. What I really want to do, though, is get through to people that I’m not a Republican or a Democrat and that it annoys me when people assume I’m on their side. The truth is, if I were to choose a political party, it would probably be one in Israel or Palestine. I’m not an American — never been there — and honestly with my criminal record I doubt they’d even give me a visa to come for a visit.”

Many Christians believe that when Christ returns to earth, the faithful believers will be carried off to heaven while those who are unrepentant or unfortunate enough to be Jewish, Muslim, Buddhist, et al., will be left to a hell on earth. Christians tend to think this will be a wonderful time, while many Jews and Muslims also feel it might make for a nice change.

Christ said he had a few more calls to make, but when pressed on the possibility of a return this weekend, he did give a little more insight.

“Of course I can’t rule it (a May 21 rapture) out, but then again I won’t rule any day out, because if you start giving people a more solid idea of when the end is, they’ll try to game the system and do bad stuff up until it’s close to the end and then seek forgiveness. If it helps, though, I will say that I already have my advance tickets to The Hangover Part II, so take that for what it’s worth.”

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Posted in Features, Politics, Religion
14 comments on “GOP expects to lose majority post-rapture; Jesus says “not so fast”
  1. Les says:

    If there were a Rapture, those left behind would still be stuck with the same Congress, and THAT is Hell on Earth!

  2. ryan says:

    Pls dont’t make joke of this thing, you are all outrageous

  3. SomeGuy says:

    Actually, I think the rapture DID happen and no one was taken up to the great beyond. I think many religious folks should spend the time remaining to do some SERIOUS soul searching as to the actions they have taken in their lives and use the little time remaining them to become a force of GOOD in the world.

  4. Joachim Hettich says:

    Ah well – third time lucky – touch wood.

  5. Jake says:

    @Evelyn… but… but… the only reason Mr. Camping was wrong before was because of a ‘mathematical’ error. “There is…no possibility that it will not happen” this time. Sheesh, infidels ;-P

  6. Evelyn says:

    It seems that Mr. Camping has predicted Judgement Day before and it didn’t happen, and once again he believes God has given him special wisdom that Jesus doesn’t have. Amazing! Probably he enjoys the notoriety, and also the money that people donate to him. He is on
    every TV station and in papers and magazines. Tomorrow when I pass one of his bill boards on my way to Church, I’ll chuckle and think “I wonder when you will predict again”. His time and energy and money could be put to much better use for God.

  7. MikeF says:

    I think it would be funny if some of these so-called Christians were to be there at the Judgement Day in front of Jesus and He looked at them and said “Well, I would like to let you into Heaven, but I can’t be seen as soft on crime now, can I? long pause….Just Kidding”

  8. KAthleen Halm says:

    Brilliant!!! This is one of the best “post-non-Rapture” pieces I’ve read. Cannot stop laughing!!!! (And for the above comment, I’m a devout Catholic, but a liberal one and an educated person. All Christians, of course, don’t buy this extremist nonsense.) THANK YOU! I’ll be giggling for the rest of the day. :-)

  9. NoH8 says:

    The GOP’s loss is the world’s gain. Rap? Sure!

  10. NoH8 says:

    Rap? …Fur sure, dudes.

  11. katoson says:

    the Bible calls on for PEACE MAKERS not people who start a war with a great lie so our children can be murdered by lying leaders

  12. katoson says:

    hog wash….stupid to think that one political people who be chosen over another…can tell you what …what if there was a question to re-elect g.w.b…..would you…if so the gate would be closed from you for good…or in fact any recent republican that you vote for ….the door will be slammed in your face…shows to go you how much gobbly gook they have in their heads…even the air is trapped in there..have you heard anything so STUPID in your life…..really STUPID

  13. bongiojf says:

    and Freud has been largely discredited.

  14. stevie68a says:

    Freud called religion “a mental illness”. So very true……

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