by William Moultrie
Columbia – School administrators are delighted at a new, seemingly less suggestive t-shirt that’s been popping up around campus this summer.
“With a mascot like the Gamecock, we get a lot of off-color variations on that name ranging from the somewhat vulgar to the truly profane,” said Shirley McCafferty, Director of College relations at the University of South Carolina. “It really becomes an issue with recruiting and has definitely contributed to the perception of our campus as a bawdy, wild party school.”
The new t-shirt sports a simple slogan: “See… oh, seek Amy,” followed by “at the University of South Carolina” in smaller letters underneath.
“I can’t say I really understand what the shirt is saying” said Gamecock football coach Steve Spurrier, “but I’m glad the students seem to be getting tired of that age-old play on the Gamecock. A few months ago I was walking around campus with this recruit explaining to him and his dad, who happened to be a baptist minister, that the Carolina campus is a truly spiritual place where he’ll be able to concentrate on his scripture studies without distraction when this co-ed strolls by with this ridiculously under-sized t-shirt that read ‘You Can’t Lick Our Cocks.’ What am I supposed to say after that?”
Junior English major Marjorie Winston was wearing one of the t-shirts on Saturday.
“It’s funny,” she said “people are staring at my chest all the time — more than usual — trying to figure it out. For a while when people asked me about it, I tried to explain or just said ‘think about it,’ but now I just tell them it’s a religious thing and they leave me alone.”
“I think it’s hillarious,” said Freshman Martin Frostman. “I got one for my girlfriend and she wore when we visited my parents and they didn’t bat an eye — I imagine if she’d worn her ‘CockStar’ t-shirt, I never would have heard the end of it.”
The shirt has also been making an impact off campus.
“I can’t tell you how many… um… c-o-c-k related shirts I’ve had to confiscate over the years,” said Sister Mary Helen of the St. Francis basketball camp in Irmo. “When this shirt showed up with a new batch of kids a couple weeks ago, I didn’t even realize it was related to USC. I still don’t know who this Amy is, but I assume she’s some sort of pop star who’s going to play on campus because most of the shirts are being worn by girls — though a few of boys have them as well.”
The shirt’s creator wasn’t much help decifering the mystery.
“Um, sure, Amy’s a popstar,” said Brian Barrie, of Charleston, who has trademarked the slogan, “or maybe it’s religious, or maybe it doesn’t mean anything but drives you nuts thinking it does. I like to think of it like any other great work of art, it’s very subjective. It means different things to different people. Buy one for youself and contemplate it, I need the money.”