Christians, Atheists battle over I-26 billboards

by Ashley Phosphate

billboardCharleston – Gangland turf wars erupted yesterday on the side of the interstate between warring factions of Christians and atheists.

“I didn’t know what the hell happened at first,” said pastor Mark Paul of Thee Coast Church, the Charleston-based mega church and suspected leader behind increased drive-by Bible attacks on the Lowcountry Secular Humanists.  “All of the sudden all these damn godless punks come out of no where and start yelling.”

Secular Humanist leaders disagree.

“We were all down there to make sure they didn’t vandalize any more of our billboards about there being no God and all.  Then they just started throwing those Bibles at us again.  Those things really hurt.  Especially the King James versions,” said Charles Kitchens, spokesperson for the Humanist group.  As local motorists began calling 911 for help, Christians and atheists locked horns along the emergency lane in the neck area.

After a few tense moments, the Bibles started flying, said scared motorists in police reports.  As the fighting spilled into the interstate and traffic began to jam, the warring continued to turn violent.

An unidentified Humanist is still on the run in the north area after pulling a cross out of the back of his truck and attempting to crucify one of Mark Paul’s group.  Kitchens denies that it was a Secular Humanist.

“Those Christians are just lying.  They can all just go to hell” Kitchens said.

City of Charleston and North Charleston Police are still in a manhunt for the assailant, but are unsure if crucifixion is a crime in this state or not.  Kitchens’ group claims that the Thee Coast gang is behind the defacing of several billboards along I-26 coming out of Charleston.

Police reports indicate that over the weekend several thousands of dollars worth of damage was done.  Residents near the billboards say they just want their communities back and are planning a “take back the night” vigil aimed at the stopping the warring Christian and atheist groups.

“It’s time we stopped all this,” said Thelma Blalock, a community organizer.  “First it was whores, crack and drugs.  Now it’s Christians, atheists, Bible attacks and crucifixions.  When will it all end?”

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