Statewide manhunt underway for “Phantom Applicant”

by William Moultrie

Columbia – An urgent alert has been issued to law enforcement agencies around the state today as police and other enforcement agencies try to track down the person alleged to have made false claims on behalf of Governor Nikki Haley.

“We are following all the leads we have,” said Lt. Frank Horrigan of the State Law Enforcement Division (SLED). “Unfortunately the only real evidence we have is a 2008 job application, and that was submitted digitally so there are no fingerprints or handwriting to work from.”

Governor Haley (left) and an police sketch of the suspect.

Governor Haley (left) and an police sketch of the suspect.

The ‘Phantom Applicant,’ as the suspect has been labeled by the media, is accused of filling out a job application on behalf of then-Representative Nikki Haley, as she was applying for a job at the Lexington Medical Center. The application was filled out listing Haley’s current salary at the time as $125,000 per year while her tax returns for the same time period indicate a salary of $22,000.

“What’s most perplexing about this case,” said Horrigan, “is that it seems the perpetrator only completed the portion of the application that Mrs. Haley failed to complete and was very accurate with all other information on the form. Of course the application was ultimately successful in landing the job for Mrs. Haley, and, I should add, at a nice salary. One could certainly make an argument that the perpetrator was responsible for Mrs. Haley earning quite a lot more money in that position than she might have otherwise.”

Haley’s office dismissed notions that she entered the incorrect information on the application or that she misstated her income to the IRS.

“I have heard that conjecture as well,” said Horrigan, “and I can assure you we are not pursuing any angle that would indicate that Mrs. Haley had either lied on her job application or lied to the Internal Revenue Service. I feel to do so would be to question the integrity of our governor, and would thereby make me a sexist, racist, or worse yet, a liberal.”

A spokesman for SLED later informed the press that they would be kept up-to-date on any progress in the case, but then told them “don’t wait up.”

Tagged with: , , ,
Posted in Politics

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *


You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>

The editorial content of this site is satire and parody. Real news is clearly marked. Lighten up.