by William Moultrie
Columbia – In a stunning series of events, Governor Nikki Haley has replaced wealthy philanthropist Darla Moore with one of her political contributors on the University of South Carolina’s Board of Trustees. Additionally the school has announced the formation of the Nikki Haley School of Political Economics. Classes are scheduled to begin in the Fall semester.
“This is a shocking turn of events,” said USC political studies major Rick Vaughn, “but honestly I think it’s long overdue. There’s a lot of talk in our classes about the impact of money on government, but nobody is really willing to teach us how to manipulate it properly to achieve the desired result. I’m hoping this new curriculum will do that.”
Darla Moore, for whom the university’s acclaimed business school is named, is said to have contributed $70 million dollars to the university. She was initially appointed to her position on the board by former Governor Jim Hodges, and reappointed by Governor Mark Sanford. Haley has appointed campaign donor Tommy Cofield to replace Moore on the board.
“I for one applaud this move,” said Jackson Hammond, local banker and Republican activist. “Our colleges and universities need moral guidance and the best way I know of to measure someone’s moral compass is to take a close look at the kind of people they give money to. Mr. Cofield donated money to Nikki Haley and that tells me a lot about his character. On the other hand, Miss Moore donated money to a university — and everyone knows those places are full of liberals and trouble-makers. We just don’t need that kind of influence at USC.”
The curriculum for the political economics program is still being worked out, but there is already anticipation brewing in Columbia for classes to start. Lt. Governor Ken Ard has announced that he will be the first one in line to sign up for classes.
“I’ve got plenty of experience with colleges,” said Ard. “I took most of a class at Wofford and then a couple more at Francis Marion and I now I guess I’m ready to try again. If there’s one thing I’ve learned since I’ve been elected, and that’s a big ‘if,’ it’s that there are apparently rules that govern what you can do with money you earn from donors on a political campaign. I’m a business man and in business when people give you money, you go buy your wife a pretty dress — I’m learning that in politics it’s not that simple.”
Not everyone is as happy about the new plans.
“This is complete B.S.,” said Bud Fox, freelance political financier. “Some of us have worked a long time to figure out how to manipulate the system and here comes Nikki Haley, just giving it away for the price of tuition. This sucks.”