by William Moultrie
Palo Alto, CA – In an statement timed to reassure skittish stockholders, Apple Computer has announced that President Barack Obama will assume control of the technology company should CEO Steve Jobs be unable to continue at the helm.
“Apple Computer is one of the biggest driving forces in the American economy,” said Obama, “and if I’m able to help keep the company on course, I will do whatever I can do. I’ve been doing everything I can do in Washington to stimulate the economy, but if I’m needed out in the world where real jobs are created then I’m willing to go that extra mile. Also, everyone knows I’ve always been partial to my Blackberry, but truth be told, I’ve been looking for an excuse to get an iPhone for years, so this works out great.”
Wall Street analysts were very bullish about the news, which was announced after the market closed on Thursday.
“Apple is a company that’s always been about vision and leadership,” said David Lightman, longtime industry analyst. “There are plenty of computer geniuses down there already, they don’t need another nerd, they need a leader who can step in and set some bold goals and inspire the company to achieve them.”
White House spokesman Jay Carney made a brief statement on the announcement but declined to take questions.
“I know what you’re all thinking,” said Carney, addressing the White House press corps, “why Apple and not Microsoft? Well, we thought about that and decided that (Vice President Joe) Biden would be a much better substitute for (Microsoft CEO) Steve Ballmer. Besides, Joe actually owns a Zune. No really, I thought it was just an urban legend but I saw him with it.”
Steve Jobs’ health has been the topic of rumors for years as he has recently taken his second medical leave of absence from his leadership spot at Apple. Apple’s string of successful product launches that have defied industry trends and the global recession are largely attributed to Jobs and his knack for always being on the cutting edge of consumer electronics, so there’s understandable concern from investors at the prospect of Jobs no longer being in charge.
While the news was greeted enthusiastically at Apple’s corporate headquarters in Palo Alto, at least one member of Apple’s board of directors was less than thrilled.
“Are you f*cking kidding me?” asked former Vice President and current Apple board member Al Gore, on hearing the news. “I’ve been on this board for almost ten years, I’ve got vision, I’ve got charisma… Dammit! He got to be president of the United States for god’s sake, can’t he just give me this?”