by William Moultrie
Washington – As expected, the 2010 Census has resulted in an additional Congressional seat as well as an additional electoral vote. Unexpectedly, the seventh seat was conditional and came with a warning.
“We know this has never been done before,” said Abigail Chase, Census Spokesperson, “but we at the Census feel strongly that we should make a statement as the shift of representation occurs.”
South Carolina will indeed be awarded the seventh seat in the House of Representatives as well as the seventh electoral vote, but the Census is reserving the right to “adjust” their “final” count in a way that could reduce South Carolina’s population count if the state doesn’t “behave better.”
Chase was blunt in explaining the reasoning behind the agency’s unprecedented move.
“We have an agenda,” she explained, “and while I wouldn’t call it a ‘liberal’ agenda, it’s certainly not a ‘conservative’ one. Most agencies have to pretend to be non-partisan, but there’s almost zero chance that any of us will still be in these jobs in ten years, so this is our chance to make a statement. We wanted to pick a state to make an example of, and no state has been more ‘out there’ over the past few years than South Carolina.”
“If we went by just the count that some of the back-assward southerners would like us to use, then we’d probably be taking a couple seats away from South Carolina, instead of adding on. They sure as hell wouldn’t want us to pay any attention to illegals, but they’re part of the count, and while it’s not exactly Arizona, there’s plenty of them there. And then you get to the darker skinned folks. I’m not going to mention names or parties or even groups that base their membership on an ancestor’s participating in past wars, but some of these folks would go back to a 3/5 count of some of their citizens.”
“This is an outrage,” said Ian Howe, president of the Pickens chapter of the Sons of Confederate Veterans. “Who the hell do they think they are? We deserve that seventh seat and we should be able to decide who votes too. We took care of this sort of Federal intrusion 150 years ago (when South Carolina seceded from the United States) and don’t think we won’t do it again.”
“That’s fine with us,” said Chase, “that would give us seven more seats to distribute to saner states.”
Unfortunately the Institution of Constitutional Scholars was having their annual holiday party and no constitutional experts were available for comment at press time.