by William Moultrie
Columbia, SC – The South Carolina Republican Party (SCGOP) doesn’t have too many regrets following this year’s sweep of statewide offices, but their final disclosure reports reveal a major outlay of funds spent to craft a racism defense that went unused.
“The first thing we did in June when we found we were stuck… um… when we nominated Nikki Haley to run for governor,” said Karen Floyd, chairperson of the SCGOP, “was to put ourselves in our opponent’s place, figure out where our weaknesses were and formulate a defense.”
What they came up with, Floyd continued, was a likely attack on Haley’s Indian background.
“It seemed as obvious to us as referring to the president as Barack Hussein Obama on every possible occasion. It’s what we would do in a heartbeat — seriously, what’s more American than questioning how American someone is? I still don’t get why they didn’t use it — maybe they just ran out of money.”
Documents obtained from party insiders show an extensive plan consisting of indignant responses and appeals to other ethnic minorities to show their solidarity.
Floyd explained how it might proceed.
“Obviously, we were waiting on someone on the other side to kick it off with some sort of reference, basically anybody with a ‘D’after their name — a current or former elected official or some pissant staffer working on a down-ballot race — didn’t matter, but we needed some Democrat somewhere to call her by her given name so we would have something to be indignant about. We had some of our favorite editorial boards ready to go denouncing whatever was said, and then we had a plan to flood the newspapers with letters and send our prized African-American Republican, Tim Scott, around the state to denounce the statement at the black churches. It was a beautiful plan, and I guess I shouldn’t be upset that we didn’t get to use it since we won, but we put a lot of planning into that.”
“Hell,” Floyd continued, “we even got Jakie Knotts to say some crazy offensive stuff just so the Democrats wouldn’t feel as uncomfortable saying mildly offensive stuff; though to tell you the truth, he didn’t need much convincing.”
Floyd says it’s not a total loss, though.
“She’ll probably be running again in four years, so we’ll have it ready to go.”