by William Moultrie
Washington – South Carolina’s Senator Jim DeMint, who made headlines this week by threatening to shut down the Senate, ratcheted up his demands today with a controversial list of new requirements of his fellow senators.
“I understand this is difficult for my colleagues on both sides of the aisle,” said DeMint, “and I realize requiring them to pass every piece of legislation through my office is an unprecedented power-grab, but after some soul-searching and consultation with my spiritual leaders at the C Street house, I’ve come to realize that I need them to do more.”
In addition to demanding approval of legislation, DeMint added nine other requirements ranging from the religion to hygiene.
Much of the Senate’s business is conducted by unanimous consent, allowing a single senator to stall action on legislation and procedural matters, effectively grinding the entire legislative body to a halt.
DeMint’s office quietly delivered the requirements directly to other senate offices but they almost immediately began leaking to the press.
“We didn’t want to make a big issue of this,” said Allen Spencer, spokesman for Sen. DeMint. “These are simply mundane procedural guidelines and in no way affect the carriage of business in this august body. There is nothing in this list that the public should be concerned about.”
“I find this list to be patently offensive,” said Senator Barbara Mikulski (D-MD). “It’s degrading to women and demeans the senate. I am, however, looking forward to Hawaiian shirt Fridays.”
The complete list as issued by DeMint’s office:
- All pending legislation must be approved by my office
- All senators must be present in the chamber when I am speaking
- All unwed mothers employed by the senate will receive spiritual counseling once a week
- Every piece of legislation should be biblical in origin
- The Senate cafeteria will ensure grits are always available on the menu on Tuesdays and Thursdays
- The last Friday of every month will be Hawaiian shirt day
- All senate employees, including senators, shall wash their hands before exiting the restroom, especially Senator Inhofe, and he knows why
- The senate chamber shall be adorned with a twelve-foot crucifix behind the dais
- Senate pages will be issued new uniforms to resemble hotel bellhops
- Women employed by the Senate will be issued “modesty panels” to cover their cleavage