by William Moultrie
Columbia – In an emergency conference call, a hastily assembled coalition of South Carolina’s politicians, bloggers, newspaper reporters, strategists, and inmates crafted plans to protest a newly announced rally by Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert.
The coalition is currently calling the event The Rally to Preemptively Restore Honor to South Carolina, but sources have told us they’d prefer to find a name that they can work into a clever acronym.
“I like it when big names can be spelled into small names just using the big letters at the start of words,” said Lt. Governor André Bauer.
On Thursday night’s episodes of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart and The Colbert Report, Stewart and Colbert announced competing rallies on the National Mall to take place simultaneously on Saturday, October 30, 2010.
“Their’s will clearly be an event where South Carolina will feature prominently, and not in a good way,” said Governor Mark Sanford, who chaired the meeting. “These guys have made their fortunes on the backs of South Carolina and we have no doubt they will be attacking us yet again at their rally. We felt we had no choice to preemptively defend our honor. Also, I have a small list of more things I’ve misled South Carolina about since my last confessional interview, and I will be reading that to the crowd.”
The Rally to Preemptively Restore Honor to South Carolina will be held on the same day as the Stewart/Colbert rally, October 30, but due to National Park Service rules about overlapping events, the South Carolina rally will begin at 4 a.m.
“We’ll be all be meeting at the corner of South Carolina Ave. and Independence Ave. and carpooling to the Lincoln Memorial,” said U.S. Senate Candidate Alvin Greene, who was asked to publicize and organize the event because of his proven method of frugal yet effective campaigning. “We picked that location for symbolic reasons, but unfortunately we didn’t realize how far it would be to walk from there to the mall, so please call me if you’re planning on driving and you have a bus or minivan.”
“I thought marching all the way down to the mall was a great idea,” said Sen. Jim DeMint. “I told them the C St. compound was about halfway in-between and they could all pop in for some Koolaid, but for some reason nobody seemed to think that was a good idea.”
The march/rally/protest is being sponsored by a coalition of South Carolina’s most prominent news sources proudly headed by theDiscust and will include mostly bloggers and active twitterers, but nobody who actually draws a salary for relaying news to an audience.
The preliminary speaking list includes:
- Governor Mark “Hiking the Trail” Sanford
- Lt. Governor André “Don’t Feed the Poor” Bauer
- Former Treasurer Thomas “convicted of conspiracy to possess with intent to distribute cocaine” Ravenel
- Former State School Board chair Kristin “alleged erotic fiction author” Maguire
- Sen. Jim “Drink the Koolaid” DeMint
- Sen. Lindsey “Goes both ways (on political issues)” Graham
- Rep. Joe “YOU LIE!” Wilson
- Former Rep. Arthur “NAACP = Nat. Assn. of Retarded People” Ravenel
- State Sen. Nikki “So transparent you see right through her” Haley
- State Sen. Jakie “Nikki’s a raghead” Knotts
- U.S. Senate Candidate Alvin “I did too campaign” Greene
- Dr. George “I was trying to fix the gay kid” Rekers
- Kaitlin “Miss Teen South Carolina” Upton
- The rest of the SC congressional delegation
- Former Sen. John Edwards
- The guy who had sex with a horse twice
- The guy who worked in the AG’s office and got busted in a graveyard with a hooker
- Strom Thurmond’s secret-till-he-died illegitimate black daughter
- Pedro (the one from South of the Border, not Napoleon Dynamite)
- Stephen Colbert
Please let us know if any important names have been left off the list.