by William Moultrie
Spartanburg – Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) held a press conference today surrounded by what he described as “real American babies,” announcing new legislation to combat the ‘anchor baby’ epidemic.
“Within the month,” said Sen. Graham, “I will be introducing legislation that will provide for all children born in this country to non-citizen parents to be fitted with a microchip before they are discharged from the hospital. The chips would be nearly identical to those used in cats, dogs, and passports, and would be detectable as the child passed through customs and in certain other situations.”
Graham declined to elaborate on the ‘certain other situations,’ citing national security concerns.
According to materials handed out at the event, the parents of the children would be free to remove the chip at any time once they are out of the country, but removing it would forfeit the child’s claim to United States citizenship.
Pundits are describing this as the culmination of Sen. Graham’s crusade against what he calls a “tidal wave of anchor babies.”
“He’s obsessed with the wave upon wave of immigrants he foresees washing up on our shores,” said Genny Woodson, a freelance conspiracy specialist. “He seems to envision a future where we are drowning in foreigners who are American citizens. It’s a frightening picture he paints, though to be honest, I’m not sure why he uses so many nautical terms — maybe it’s his irrational belief in climate change. I guess some people will believe anything.”
The term ‘anchor baby’ refers to a child born to parents who have traveled to this country for the sole reason of giving birth thereby making the child eligible for United States citizenship. Experts on the topic, including Woodson, assert that it will eventually lead to the downfall of the American government.
Graham supporters attending the event were enthusiastic in their support for the senator’s proposal.
“I think it’s a great idea,” said Tina Bagwell of Greer, “and I’m proud to call Senator Graham my senator. You won’t find none of those fancy-pants Democrats introducing common-sense legislation like this — they’re too busy sipping and tea playing golf to address the real problems real Americans are facing. Of course last month I was at this same spot calling on Lindsey to be fired for something — I don’t remember what exactly — but I can see now that he’s a true American hero.”
Democratic leaders declined to be interviewed for this story, citing and internal policy to wait two weeks before commenting on anything Senator Graham says.