by William Moultrie

Columbia – Following last week’s airing of rumors that several leading South Carolina Republicans are actually homosexuals, other prominent GOP leaders are shuffling out of the closet. 

It would seem to take a mighty big closet to hold more than one elephant.

In a blog interview last week, openly lesbian former Congressional candidate Linda Ketner relayed  rumors that U.S. Senator Lindsey Graham, State Senate President Pro Tempore Glen McConnell, and Lt. Governor Andre Bauer were gay. Though her comments were picked up by several media outlets, very little fallout appears to be landing on those named.

The lack of outcry coupled with the added media exposure seems to have emboldened a few unlikely Republicans to make announcements of their own.

“I’m totally gay,” announced U.S. Representative Gresham Barrett, a potential gubernatorial candidate, to a stunned group of reporters Monday morning. “I’m as gay as a two dollar bill.  Wait, is it the two or the three that’s gay?  Well, whatever, I’m really gay.”

“There is no way that Gresham is gay,” said Attorney General Henry McMaster, another potential candidate for governor reached for comment Monday afternoon. “I’ve known him for years and he’s as straight as they come, and I would know because as it turns out I’m, um, gay too. I mean I’m actually gay. I was going to announce it publicly at an appropriate time, but with Gresham making this hubbub, I had to set the record straight and speak up for all of us real gays.”

“McMaster is lying,” Barrett replied. ” He’s not gay, I’ll out-gay him any day of the week.”

Critics are skeptical of the wave of self-outings.

“They are clearly just looking for attention,” said Furman Political Science professor Ben Tillman, “they saw Graham, McConnell and Bauer getting all kinds of coverage last week with nobody calling for recalls so maybe they thought this would be a good time to perk up some interest in the governor’s race that no one has been talking about. I’m sure they’ll get some press out of this, but I’m not sure they’ve considered the long-term consequences.”

“If they’re gay then I’m the Queen of Neverland,” said Tyler Cockburn, a gay activist in Columbia. “Have you seen what they’re wearing? Hello, politicians — 2004 is calling and it wants it’s style back.”

In addition to Barrett and McMaster, several other key Republicans are rumored to be jumping on the bandwagon.  In the State House of Representatives and Senate, there are numerous press conferences scheduled for tomorrow, and sources are telling us that there has been a run on Prada shoes in the Columbia area.

Reached for comment, Sen. Graham responded: “I have no comment at this time.  I’m going to watch this play out a bit and then I’ll be holding a press conference in a couple weeks.  Or maybe not.”

Linda Ketner, who’s statements appear to have started this chain of events, still maintains she didn’t out anyone, but merely commented on rumors. Asked about the series of events that are transpiring, she replied “Men… Geeze. I think I’ll stick with women.”