by William Moultrie
Columbia – All was quiet this evening on Marion Street when the ground suddenly gave way and took the South Carolina Republican Party headquarters with it.
Apparently as the sinkhole opened up, there was a thunderclap and what witnesses describe as an ethereal voice from the clouds.
“It was the weirdest thing,” said James Reese, who was walking nearby at the time. “All at once there was this massive thunderclap — like an explosion — and then this building right in front of me just disappeared into the ground. But then, just as I was realizing what was happening I heard this voice from the sky… it sounded like it said ‘cut that shit out’ but I’m not positive.”
Mandy Pierce also heard the voice.
“The voice clearly said ‘cut that shit out’ and then it didn’t say anything else,” said Pierce. “I know because I was on my cell when it happened and Bobby, my boyfriend, asked me who said ‘cut that shit out.’”
The building was empty at the time of the incident, but nobody from the party could be reached for comment. Unconfirmed reports claim that party leaders are in hiding until divine intervention is ruled out.
Theologists and geologists were sharply divided on the possible cause of the sinkhole, and an emergency conference call between the two groups failed to resolve their differences.
The theologist camp, led by Rev. Bill Jolsen, was insistant that this was indeed an act of god in response to the latest allegations of marital infidelity concerning gubernatorial candidate Nikki Haley.
“God is firm and decisive, and this was clearly a warning to the Republicans in response to today’s news,” said Jolsen. “If I were them I’d be taking a long hard look at how they’re handling themslves.”
Teddy Heagrid, spokesman for the geologist group, disagreed with Jolsen’s assessment.
“I understand and respect Rev. Jolsen’s beliefs,” said Heagrid, “but I’m a scientist and I can assure you that the ground doesn’t just open up on a whim. Geology is the study of pressure and time and this is something that must have been building up for a long time. Therefore, we firmly believe that this sinkhole is in response to Governor Sanford’s indiscretions last year, not because of anything that’s happened in the past two weeks — that would be crazy.”
Witnesses all agreed that the voice from above sounded a lot like Morgan Freeman.