Lindsey Graham to come out

by Middleton Jervey Manigault, III

Central – A gay bit of news today here in South Carolina as Lindsey Graham has decided that he will come out this very spring. That’s right, South Carolina’s senior Senator is going to be part of the debutante class of 2010 in Central, South Carolina, the town of his birth.

lindsey-deb-frontWith thirty percent of the small burg living in poverty, Lindsey will be part of a four person group making the rounds of Central high society. He is the first male in the town’s history to participate in the program.

The people of Central have been very supportive of their local hero.

“I’m very excited to hear he is finally going to come out,” said Martha Griffith, the town librarian, as she extinguished her lit fag. “I have been very hard at work designing a series of stunning outfits to properly accentuate his lithe, girlish figure.”

Some have questioned his motives, wondering if there was a political agenda behind the move.

“I find it very queer that a fifty-five year old man would enter a program designed to assist teenage girls as they blossom into womanhood,” wondered Tea Party activist Wilson Sticksbottom III.

Senator Graham himself deigned to return this theDiscust reporter’s calls for the first time ever and provided his reasoning for the controversial decision to become a debutante. “There has been something bothering me day and night. I just couldn’t bring myself to blame immigrants for all of the world’s problems and I always wondered why. I mean, I’ve never shown empathy before so why with this one issue?”

Lindsey continued, “One day I was back visiting my home town of Central and I got into a deep conversation with my friend Martha Griffith, the coordinator of GFW (Genteel Flowering Women). When she spoke of the joys of the debutante process I had an epiphany, realizing what had been missing from my life all along. I also came to the obvious conclusion that the dirty Mexicans are ruining our economy and must be stopped.”

The Senator’s tour of Central high society will start at the crow of the cock on May 3 with a reception at the home of Gregory and Vanessa Manlove and concludes with a huge ball at the home of Chris and Marjorie Butt-Pounder on the 17th of that same month.

Posted in Features, Life
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