by Middleton Jervey Manigault, III
Columbia – With less than a year remaining of his time in office, Governor Mark Sanford of South Carolina still has work left to do cementing his legacy to the state. With that legacy in mind, the governor announced plans today that should go a long way toward imprinting his collection of seven letters into the minds of our children: the founding of a university bearing his name.
Like most other educational causes during Sanford’s governorship, the school will be terrifically underfunded, with a mere thirty-five cents being donated under the state’s current budget.
Ann Thompson, who has many years of experience with Sanford’s frugality as director of furloughing and budgetary holocaust at the College of Chuckvegas for the last ten years, will take over as the fledgling institution’s first president. “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. I have been given a large turd and I plan to get in the kitchen and bake it.”
Sanford spokesman Hugh Lyer was asked if the governor just expected money to fall from the sky to fund the university. “The lord will provide,” he answered.
In fairness to the governor, he had planned on making a substantial private donation, but his upcoming alimony, child support, and divorce proceedings bills put a kink in that plan.
The new school will be located somewhere on the Appalachian Trail. Classes will be held outside in order to get students in touch with nature and due to the fact that the school currently has no buildings. Education majors will have a great opportunity for hands-on experience, as they will be taking over right away for the thousands of K-12 teachers the governor has decided not to pay anymore.
Unsurprisingly, the new college has been named Sanford University. Something called a Carddog will serve as the mascot. Lyer was questioned about the interesting choice. “We’re trying to do everything we can to confuse potential applicants who may think they are applying to prestigious schools like Stanford or Samford Universities.”
Lyer continued, “You’re not writing that down are you?”
Asked if a course in Argentinian studies would be offered, Lyer replied, “I think this interview is over.”