by Middleton Jervey Manigault, III
Charleston – In a move thought long overdue by a majority of Lowcountry pundits, Mayor Joseph Riley has declared himself Emperor of the city of Charleston and the surrounding fiefdoms of Summerville and James Island.
Riley spokesman Thomas Carruthers admitted the time was long past due to dispense with the farce of mayoral “elections” now that the mayor’s reign has reached thirty-five years in length. “Why bother?” Carruthers wondered.
The new emperor began his rule way back in December of 1975 and has won numerous electoral contests in the intervening years to retain his iron grasp on power. Riley, seen in the accompanying picture meeting with Italian diplomat Joey Buttafucco, was humble in accepting the promotion. “I’ve worked hard over the last few decades for the people of Charleston and I feel honored they have rewarded me with the weighty responsibility of absolute power,” the mayor stated.
The coronation has been set for April 15 at St. Philip’s Church in downtown Charleston, and dignitaries from all across the vast lands under Riley’s control are set to attend. theDiscust has learned as part of the ceremony, the tri-county area of Charleston, Berkeley, and Dorcester Counties will formally be renamed Rileyland.
Charlestonians, although conservative by nature were surprisingly supportive of the name change. “Hopefully the Riverdogs will be given a new nickname as well. That has to be the sh*ttiest mascot in the history of professional sports,” commented Florence Porcher.
Others were quick to agree with Porcher. “A lot of the crap in this town is named after French people and the Frenchies are a bunch of dumb surrender monkeys. I reckon it’s fixing to be about time we changed the name of a lot of things around these here parts,” redneck representative Randy Riggins remonstrated in his nearly incomprehensible patois.
A rumor that the city council is planning to annex Savannah as a present to their lord on his ascension day has not yet been confirmed by this reporter.
Republican Mayor Knox White of Greenville, in a fit of jealous rage after hearing the news of his bitter rival’s coming coronation, has proclaimed himself Tsar of Greenville. The new Tsar also declared an upcoming pogrom designed to rid the Upstate of its last few remaining Democrats. “They are clearly to blame for the current economic meltdown,” White asserted, “along with the Jews and the blacks, of course,” he added.