by Middleton Jervey Manigault, III
Columbia – The state of South Carolina was hit by a shocking tragedy Thursday as the second-term Senator Lindsay Graham disappeared into a gaping hole in the political spectrum.
A variety of scientists have weighed in on possible causes of his demise.
According to political scientist Jane Calloway, a chasm opened up in between the two extremes of the Republicans and Democrats, leaving no room left to support the continued existence of someone like Graham, who is known to think for himself at least once every couple of months on average.
“No one really wanted him around any more politically, so the two parties just willed him into the ether – call it the power of negative thinking,” stated Calloway.
NASA physicist Bubba O’Neil has asserted that a worm hole was seen in the vicinity of the Republican Party’s Lexington offices, where Graham was spotted shortly after the county group announced they were censuring the Senator for having the audacity to believe global warming exists.
O’Neil went on to claim that the combination of the censure and utter Democratic disdain for his paltry efforts to tackle the global warming issue produced the rupture in the space-time continuum that spelled the end of his political career and, of course, his actual life as well.
Some believe foul play may be involved. Chemistry expert and political rival Tom Ravenel is the prime suspect. He assures us, however, that Graham is not hidden in a pile of his Peruvian marching powder. Asked for further comment, Ravenel just babbled a bunch of nonsense for several hours on end.
The senator is survived by Jeff Smith of Central, South Carolina, who has allegedly served as the Senator’s gimp for twenty years, as well as their dog Buttons.