by William Moultrie
Hawaii – The political operatives of the world breathed a collective sigh of relief this morning when news of Rush Limbaugh’s survival of a rumored heart attack began to filter into the media. Limbaugh, 58, is a central figure both in right-wing fundraising that he spearheads, and in left-wing fundraising where he is vilified.
At press time, there was still not an official word on Limbaugh’s condition, but this is fairly common in Hawaii, a state where official medical records often take years to be registered, are not readily available, and are frequently outsourced to Kenya or even Australia.
South Carolina’s junior senator, Jim DeMint, was quick to take credit for Limbaugh’s recovery.
“As soon as I heard the news,” said DeMint, “I set up a conference call with all of my buddies from the C St. family, and we conducted our ritual cleansing of sins chant and prayed for Rush’s speedy recovery. Fortunately, all of those guys are in my calling circle and we managed to pull him through. We had been scheduled to pray about one of our members’ extra-marital affairs, but this was more pressing. Anyway, that affair probably won’t make it into the papers for another week or two so we’ve got time.”
“This is truly a miracle,” said Michael Steele, Chairman of the Republican National Committee. “Since this summer, I’ve been having to vet my public statements through Rush or Hannity, and frankly Rush is the saner of the two. Thank you Rush for pulling through — and check your email when you get a chance because I want to release a longer statement tomorrow.”
Meanwhile, operatives on the other end of the political spectrum were equally relieved.
“I can’t say I agree with anything he says,” said Justin Ruben, Executive Director of MoveOn.org, “but I’m glad he’s still with us. That man probably drives more money in our direction than any other person, though Sarah Palin is catching up in a hurry. The only thing better than a full and complete recovery for Rush would be some sort of epiphany about the state of health care in our country, like the one Glenn Beck had when he was at CNN and forgot about by the time he got to Fox.”
Reached for comment, Comedienne Wanda Sykes, who famously joked about Limbaugh that “I hope his kidneys fail” at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner this year, responded: “Damn… I got some serious voodoo in me. Y’all better watch out.”