DeMint scores victory in the war on unionism

by William Moultrie

Washington, DC – Amid charges that his blocking of the nomination of Erroll Southers to lead the Transportation and Safety Administration (TSA) is depriving the agency of leadership at a critical time, Senator Jim DeMint is claiming a victory in the war on labor unions.

“Terrorism is a real problem,” said DeMint in his daily short-wave radio address to the world. “The incident last week certainly highlighted the fact that we must continue to be diligent in that fight, but terrorism is a relatively new enemy — we’ve been struggling with the scourge of labor unions for well over a century and we are finally seeing some results.”

DeMint has objected to proceeding to a vote on the nomination of Southers, a former FBI special agent and counter-terrorism expert, until he is allowed to question the nominee about his stance on unionizing the TSA.

“I know it looks like the hold I’ve put on Southers’ nomination is adversely affecting our security,” DeMint continued, “but I’m sure most Americans will agree that it’s a small price to pay to help keep our country free of new labor unions. Unions are responsible for almost all of the anti-business legislation from the last 150 years including: the minimum wage, the 40-hour work week, overtime pay, rules against child workers, equal pay for women, pensions… I could go on and on. Hell, employers can’t even lock the emergency exits to keep workers from slacking off anymore and that’s all because of those damn meddling unions.”

Our sources on Capitol Hill tell us that DeMint is being pressured by his party to drop the hold and allow the vote to proceed, but DeMint has yet to do so.

DeMint said that he was initially excited to meet with Southers to discuss his career in the FBI and fighting terrorists, but was disappointed at that meeting.

“He was nothing like Jack Bauer,” DeMint said. “I expected a counter-terrorist expert to have some good war stories about saving the world, breaking rules, being shot, torturing and killing suspects… all that good stuff, but come to find out, he’s never even been clinically dead and resuscitated. If this was Jack Bauer, I’d trust him to do the right thing, but I was so disappointed, I forgot to even ask Southers about the union issue. I just want a chance to follow up.”

Jack Bauer (aka Kiefer Sutherland) could not be reached for comment, but his publicist hinted that labor unions might play a large role in the upcoming season of “24″ though he later admitted it seemed unlikely.

Check your local listings for more details.

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One comment on “DeMint scores victory in the war on unionism
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