Henry Brown saves Christmas, woos conservatives

by William Moultrie

Myrtle Beach – First District Congressman Henry Brown embarked on a bold new strategy this week to appeal to his conservative base by embracing Christmas. This cycle, several other Republicans are challenging Brown for the party’s nomination as he tries to win his sixth term in Congress.

Brown and Van Pelt discuss strategy at the Brown for Congress headquarters on aisle 6 at the IGA.

Brown and Van Pelt discuss strategy at the Brown for Congress headquarters on aisle 6 at the IGA.

“I’m standing here today in front of this beautiful Christmas tree to tell you that I am in favor of Christmas,” said Brown at a small rally outside his house. “I know it’s not the most popular thing in the world and I’m sure the media will make all sorts of fuss over it, but I’ll tell you another thing, we need more Jesus Christ in Christmas.”

Several neighbors shouted enthusiastically as Brown continued.

“I see Obama and his ‘Holiday Tree’ and it makes me sick. Everywhere you go, you see ‘holiday’ this and ‘xmas’ that. What the heck is xmas anyway? Xmas isn’t even a word — sounds like some Muslim thing to me.”

“Earlier this month I introduced legislation to solidify Christmas and it’s connection to Christ, but apparently that wasn’t good enough to be covered by the liberal media, so I’ve come up with a new proposal. At the earliest opportunity, I will be introducing legislation to officially rename Christmas to JesusChristmas.”

“It’s a risky move,” said Political Science professor Ted Spillman of Coastal Carolina University. “Everyone thinks the Christian conservatives are a lock-step movement, but you have to be careful, secretly a lot of them actually buy presents for their families and even skip church to watch the bowl games over the holidays. I hope Henry has some competent advisers helping him on this, because he’s in a real race this time around.”

Brown also used the opportunity to introduce his new campaign manager, Linus van Pelt.

As a child in 1965, Van Pelt participated in a documentary film that followed his school’s production of their Christmas pageant. In the film, Van Pelt was portrayed as the hero, bringing the true Christian spirit of the holiday to the forefront and eschewing the commercialism that had become so common, but the real story didn’t end quite so well.

“It was a great show and everyone loved it,” Van Pelt said. “But the next day at school I got called to the office and was told that I was being sent home for a week. The official story was something about mites from the tree trunk of our little Christmas tree living on my blanket, but everyone knew it was about Jesus. I had dared bring up his holy name at an official school function and I was cast out.”

“From that day,” continued Van Pelt, “I vowed to find a leader who I could believe in and set right all that has been done wrong to Christmas, and I’ve found that man in Representative Henry Brown.”

Brown said that they had considered also adding to the bill a measure to move the Christmas season to a more historically accurate time in the Spring, but decided that it might interfere with the beginning of the Summer tourist season in his coastal South Carolina district.

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Posted in Features, Religion
3 comments on “Henry Brown saves Christmas, woos conservatives
  1. Billy Bob says:

    Nancy, I think this went a few hundred miles over your head?!?

  2. Nancy Burton says:

    Jesus IS the reason for the season. If we take the “reason” away then there is no “season.” THEN we can all stop this ridiculous spending too much money and stressing over all the so called festivities. I vote we put Christ back in Christmas and celebrate the REAL meaning of the season….thank you Henry Brown!

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