by William Moultrie
Myrtle Beach – The competition for the Republican nomination is heating up in the First Congressional District of South Carolina. Five-term Republican Henry Brown is looking to win the seat for the sixth time, but he’s got at least two Republicans to beat in the primary, with others rumored to be on the fence.
The big question everyone is asking, though, is ‘Where is Stephen Colbert?’ Earlier this year, the conservative talk show host and Charleston native refused to deny rumors that he is seeking the seat and would not even confirm which party’s nomination he was not admitting he may or may not be in contention for.
“He would almost certainly run as a Republican,” said Political Science professor Ted Spillman of Coastal Carolina University. “It’s pretty clear that he’s a Reagan Republican, so the only reason he would choose not to run with the GOP would be to skip challenging Brown and either run as an independent or compete for the wide-open Democratic nomination.”
Regardless of affiliation, speculation about when Colbert will officially enter the race has grown with every day that he has continued to refuse comment.
“It’s like I’m running against a phantom,” Brown said from his Capitol Hill office, referring to the mysterious candidacy of Colbert. “I’m happy to face a challenge, but I want to face a challenge face to face to face. I got no problem tearing down the folks in the race against me, but how do I attack someone who’s not down there in South Carolina like I am, sometimes. As far as I’m concerned he’s a non-candidate, this is a non-issue, and I’m done with this non-interview.”
While Brown claims not to be concerning himself with a potential Colbert candidacy, sources in Congress claim that Brown tried to insert language into the recently passed health care package in the House of Representatives that would have designated speed skating as a “non-indigenous sport,” perhaps implying that it is less American than other Olympic sports. Just days before Brown’s alleged action, Colbert stepped in to sponsor the Team USA Olympic Speed Skating team when their previous sponsor dropped out.
“I guess he figured nobody back in South Carolina would care about speed skating,” said Adrian Davis, an intern who works in the Congressional Budget Office. “I heard he literally tried to slip it into the bill — not by the usual method of adding it as an amendment along with hundreds of other amendments, but by actually printing it out and trying to physically insert it into the bill as it was being recorded. The sheet of paper fell out when they were packing it up and of course he denied that he did it, but it was on his stationary, so you do the math.”
Reached for comment at a phone number listed in Delaware, Colbert refused comment, insisting that “I’m not that Stephen Colbert, please stop calling.”