by William Moultrie
Washington – Having just settled down for a long autumn’s nap following a marathon Congressional session on Saturday, Rep. Gresham Barrett was visited by a congregation of ghosts from America’s past.
Barrett had endured a particularly bad evening, with the Democrats barely passing their health care reform package. Venting his frustration on Twitter after the final votes had been tallied, Barrett tweeted the following: “Sad day 4 Freedom. I worry abt my children. Big Gvt-more red tape-more debt-is NOT the answer. Today-our Forefathers cry.”
After sorting through some paperwork and sending his staff home he fired off another quick tweet and leaned back in his leather chair hoping to catch a quick rest before an early conference call to discuss spin and talking points.
Barrett had barely closed his eyes when he heard a door slam.
Startled awake, his chair tipped over and he fell on the floor, finding himself staring face to foot with a pair of black riding boots.
“Get on your feet!” a voice yelled, and Barrett quickly obliged.
Standing in front of him were the slightly translucent figures of a dozen men, several of whom he recognized from their pictures on the currency in his wallet.
“Wha.. wha… what’s going on here?” Barrett managed to stammer as he frantically pushed the panic button under the corner of his desk.”
“Don’t bother trying to summon the constables,” George Washington said. “Franklin disabled all of your electronics, and Hamilton’s watching the door — you’re on your own here.”
“I don’t understand, are you angry with me? I’m a patriot, I’m protecting this country from the Democrats,” Barrett managed to say, with his voice faltering. “I’m only doing what any of you would have done in my place.”
“You, my dear man,” said Thomas Jefferson, “are an affhole. You are not fit to fit in that cheap imitation chair mimicking the one of my own inventionf. Were I not fuch a gentleman, I would thrafh you until you could not ftand up ftrait.”
“Calm down Thomas,” Washington interjected. “Mr. Barrett, our issue with you is that you implied that we would be crying because of this most recent legislative action, and while men such as yourself may be comfortable with such feminine expressions of emotion, we certainly are not.”
“I have no idea what you are talking about… wait, are you on Twitter?”
“Of course,” Washington replied, “we all are. I’m sure you thought ‘GWnumber1‘ was a fan of the 43rd president, but it is in fact me, the actual first president of this country, and you better watch out who you’re calling a cry-baby. Me and the boys here don’t appreciate that kind of talk.”
“Damn straight,” said Nathan Hale from the back of the room. “My only regret is that you have but one ass to kick for this country.”
“Calm down Nate,” Washington said, “we all agreed that it’s beneath us to physically assault an elected Congressman of this great nation.”
Turning to Barrett, Washington continued, “Sir, I would implore you that in the future, as tempting as it may be to associate your own beliefs with those of ours, you refrain from such references as they are spurious at best and slanderous at worst. There is no way to compare our situation to yours and attempting to do so merely insults the intelligence of your constituents and makes you look foolish. Now if you will pardon our intrusion, we have several dozen other stops to make tonight.”
“So that’s all?” Barrett asked, relieved. “Boy, I was worried for a minute that you were going make me look at some scary vision of the future or at some uninsured homeless people dying on the street or something, or worse yet, beat the crap out of me.”
“Don’t be silly,” Washington replied. “We’re statesmen, presidents, heroes… we don’t engage in such actions. We did, however, find someone to do that job for us — I think you’ll be tickled at the irony.”
Washington turned towards the door, and raised his voice, yelling “Alright Hamilton, send in the fellows from the Boston Tea Party.”
“Oh,” said Washington, turning back to to the suddenly pale Barrett, “could you tell me where Mr. Wilson’s office is?”